When I returned from a medical conference, my newborn’s demeanor had changed; he was distant and overwhelmed. I had left him with my husband. I was worried that our marriage would fail due to unmet expectations and the stress of being a new parent as our differences grew more intense.
My career gave me meaning, therefore I decided to become a neurologist. Giving my life to something bigger than myself felt like a redemption narrative for me, as I had been a disturbed adolescent.
And treating patients gave me a sense of purpose. However, it was more than simply the business; it was about the life I created for myself—a life with James. Our marriage lasted for four years. It never mattered that he was a marketing professional and made a lot less money than I did.
One thing James and I had always agreed on was that having kids wasn’t a priority. If we were going to go that route, adoption was my preference. Offspring by birth? At best, I was indifferent.
Everything changed, though, when his best buddy gave birth to a child. James began to discuss having our own child. I wasn’t persuaded, but shortly after, I found out I was pregnant, so life made the decision for us.
“So, what do we do?” I’d asked, casting a glance at James.
“Let’s hold onto it. He squeezed my hand and murmured, “We’ll figure it out.
Our agreement was that he would leave his work and take care of our daughter Lily at home until she was old enough to start preschool. I did not want to become a housewife; my life was my career.
My maternity leave was about to expire after Lily was born. I had to go out of state for a medical conference, so I left James and Lily alone for the weekend. He told me he would take care of it.
I said to him, “Call me if you need anything,” and I turned to go.
“You’re not alone, Rachel. He held Lily and smiled, saying, “We’ll be fine.”
***
I came back, and something wasn’t right. James was quiet, not the cheerful guy he usually was.
His eyes missed mine as he said, “Hey, how was the conference?”
“All right. Why is this happening? You appear to be… unique.”
Shrugging, he turned to face Lily in his arms. “Not a thing. I guess just exhausted.”
“Tired?” I looked further. “James, what’s wrong?”
His eyes were filled with something I couldn’t identify as he turned to face me. “I… I don’t know if I can do this.”
“Do what?” I inquired, even though I was afraid of the response.
“This. Keep Lily at home. Rachel, I feel stuck. Enormous.”
His remarks seemed like a gut strike to me. You claimed to be able to manage it. You consented to this.
Yes, but it’s more difficult than I anticipated. This is not my calling.”
“Well, what do you propose? that I abandon my work? prolong my leave of maternity?”
“Perhaps we ought to think about daycare,” he murmured.
“Daycare? We concurred!” I was hearing things that I couldn’t believe. James, I had to make compromises. My profession —”
What about the sacrifices I made? For this, I left my work. I need your assistance, Rachel.”
“Aid? This was not our intention. We have a contract!” With a voice full of fury, I spoke up. Lily burst into tears at that same moment, and James seemed as though he would crack.
He wept, “I’m sorry,” as he muttered. “I just need help.”
Gazing at him, I felt deceived. Our agreement appeared to be unraveling, and the guy I depended on was becoming weaker. I needed time to ponder and gather information.
I could only hold Lily close and feel the weight of our shared sacrifices for the time being, but Lily’s screams needed care.
The days that followed were stressful. James buried himself in infant care and domestic tasks, refusing to discuss anything. I spent a lot of time at work, leaving early and returning late. Despite being separated by kilometers, we shared the same residence.
One evening, I sat down on the couch next to James after I’d put Lily to bed. “We need to talk.”
With a groan, he continued to stare at the TV. “Yeah, I know.”
James, this isn’t working. Both of us are miserable.
He snapped, “I’m trying my hardest, Rachel.” “I never said this would be easy.”
“However, you made a pledge. You promised to keep Lily at home. You’re pulling back now?”
“I won’t give up! I simply —” Exasperated, he raked a hand through his hair. “I had no idea how difficult it would be. I feel confined.”
I became quite angry. “Whatever? Do you not believe that sometimes I feel like I’m stuck? Do you suppose I desired to return to work so quickly?”
“Rachel, you get a choice. You might remain at home.”
“And discard all I’ve put effort into? No. We came up with a strategy.”
Raiding about the room, he got up. “Perhaps the strategy was incorrect. Perhaps we hurried through this.”
“Rushed into this?” Incredulous, I repeated. “Remember that you were the one who desired a child? If I had known you would alter your mind, I never would have consented to have Lily.”
His expression sank, and he appeared truly pained. “Do you regret having her?”
I hesitated, surprised. “No, I’m not. But I’m sorry that we can’t get ourselves together and that we’re failing her.”
What are you saying, then? Separation?” His speech was hardly audible.
“I’m not sure, James. However, something needs to alter.”
***
I decided to handle things myself the following day. I took a glass of water out of the kitchen before he could say anything further. “Introducing Claire,” I stated coolly. “She’s our new nanny.”
His face contorted with rage and bewilderment. “What? A caretaker? That’s beyond our means!”
I motioned for Claire to take a seat as I gave her the glass of water. “We can, in fact. You will now resume working from home when you return to your job. Claire’s payment will come from all of your profits. She will assist throughout the day so you may concentrate on your business.”
His rage reddened his cheeks. “This is really crazy! You must consult with me before making this decision.
I moved in closer, speaking in a forceful yet controlled tone. “We discussed this right from the start. You committed to something. You committed to caring for our daughter from home. We need to talk about other choices if you are unable to do that.”
He turned to look at me, puzzled. “Other choices? How do you mean?
Simply said, “I mean, we can get a divorce,” was my response. “I’ll pay child support and you’ll be a single father. However, you cannot force me to assume the duty that you committed to doing. I won’t allow you to ruin my career because I’ve fought too hard to be here.”
His head was in his hands as he collapsed onto the couch. “Divorce is not what I desire. Simply put, I had no idea how difficult it would be.”
I spoke in a softer voice. “I know it’s challenging. Claire is here to assist because of this. However, you must act now. Both of us must be strong for our daughter.”
The next Monday, Claire got started. She came as a blessing. James was reluctant at first, but as the days passed, he grew to value her assistance. James appeared more relaxed for the first time in weeks, and the home had a quieter atmosphere.
A glimmer of hope sprang in my eyes one evening as I observed James cheerfully nursing Lily. Perhaps this could be salvaged after all.
He murmured, “I’m sorry,” one night while we were lying in bed. “I should’ve been more supportive.”
“I’m sorry, too,” was my response. “I should’ve listened to you more.”
He conceded, “Claire’s great with Lily.” “It’s making a difference.”
I squeezed his hand and whispered, “I’m glad.” We’ll overcome this, sweetie. We must.
Things started to get better gradually. James adapted to his new position with Claire’s help. He became closer to Lily and more self-assured as he overcame the difficulties of child care. His financial burden was lessened when he took on some remote marketing freelancing employment.
In my case, I poured myself back into my practice while managing the demands of my demanding profession and my family obligations. It wasn’t simple, but it was made easier by James’s knowledge that he had the assistance he required.
James and I once had a rare peaceful time on the porch after Lily went to sleep. With his arm around me, he murmured, “We’re getting there.”
“Yeah, we are,” I said, pushing myself against him.
He said, “I never realized how hard this would be.” “But I’m glad we’re doing it together.”
“Yes, me too,” I said. “I love you, James.”
“I also adore you. I also adore Lily. We can resolve this.”
We felt recommitted as we sat in quiet and gazed at the sky. Though the path ahead was lengthy, our strength was united. And for the first time in a long time, I thought that with each other, we could overcome anything.
Sometimes all it takes to get through a difficult relationship is a little trust and a lot of love, I would say to everyone out there who feels like theirs is going nowhere.