The original poster (OP) and her husband have been married for two years. Her husband’s habit of sitting alone in his car for 5–10 minutes before entering the house—a coping mechanism rooted in past trauma—reached a breaking point when he delayed aiding their injured son. OP’s decision to divorce has sparked backlash from his family, who accuse her of dismissing his mental health struggles.
‘ AITAH for divorcing my husband because he spent 10 minutes in the car during a family emergency?’
Expert Opinions:
Trauma Responses vs. Parental Responsibility:
Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, author of The Body Keeps the Score, explains that trauma can create rigid coping mechanisms. “However,” he adds, “when rituals interfere with caregiving, they become maladaptive. The husband’s inability to prioritize his son’s urgent needs suggests his trauma response is unmanaged, not just ‘self-care.’”
The Impact of Unaddressed PTSD on Relationships:
A 2020 study in Journal of Anxiety Disorders found that partners of individuals with untreated PTSD often experience secondary trauma. Lead author Dr. Lisa M. Najavits states, “OP’s anger stems not from the ritual itself, but from the erosion of trust in her husband’s reliability during crises.”
Boundaries in Marriage:
Relationship coach Dr. John Gottman, known for his work on marital stability, argues: “Trauma doesn’t excuse harmful behavior. A partner’s needs—especially a child’s safety—must take precedence. OP’s boundary-setting isn’t cruelty; it’s self-preservation.”
Solutions Proposed by Experts:
- Urgent Trauma Therapy: Dr. van der Kolk emphasizes the need for EMDR or cognitive processing therapy to help the husband rewire his trauma response.
- Safety Planning: Dr. Najavits recommends creating emergency protocols (e.g., texting a code word) to bypass the car ritual during crises.
- Couples Counseling: Gottman suggests mediation to address OP’s shattered trust, but only if the husband commits to actionable change.
Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:
Reddit users overwhelmingly sided with OP, calling the husband’s actions “dangerously negligent.” Many criticized his family for enabling harmful behavior, with some urging OP to pursue full custody. Critics argued trauma “isn’t a free pass,” while a minority blamed OP for “abandoning” her husband instead of seeking therapy first.
This story forces us to confront the limits of empathy. Was OP right to prioritize her son’s immediate safety over her husband’s trauma, or does mental health deserve infinite patience? Can a marriage survive when coping mechanisms become liabilities? Share your perspective below.