She had built her life around a promise of forever with Frank, a love that had blossomed through years of distance and devotion. Yet, in the quiet moments between loyalty and doubt, a new connection sparked unexpectedly—a bond with Matt that challenged everything she thought she knew about love and commitment.
Caught between the comfort of a familiar future and the thrilling uncertainty of unspoken feelings, she found herself at a heartbreaking crossroads. The weight of truth pressed down as secrets threatened to unravel the fragile trust they had all fought to maintain.
AMITH? I fell in love with my coworker, but I’m engaged +update
According to relationship expert Dr. Terri Orbuch, a noted researcher on infidelity and relationship transitions, ‘When relationships end, especially those involving cohabitation and strong support networks, the boundaries between ex-partners can become dangerously blurred if not clearly and immediately established.’ In this situation, the OP ended the engagement because she chose to pursue feelings for Matt. However, her subsequent actions—allowing Frank to stay temporarily, helping him secure housing, and providing logistical support (rides, groceries)—have inadvertently reinforced his belief that the relationship is salvageable.
The OP’s emotional state—intense self-blame and feeling like a ‘horrible person’—is a common reaction when navigating the guilt associated with ending a significant commitment, particularly when the former partner appears vulnerable or dependent. Frank’s behavior, including excessive calling and refusal to accept the breakup, crosses professional boundaries and constitutes emotional pressure, which is exacerbating the OP’s distress. While the OP bears responsibility for initiating the breakup, she is not responsible for Frank’s inability to cope or his ongoing attempts to manipulate the situation through contact (e.g., calling repeatedly when she is with Matt).
The OP’s actions in the immediate aftermath were understandable given the complexity (living situation, needing to support him initially), but they were not constructive for moving on. The professional recommendation is for the OP to immediately cease all non-essential contact and support services for Frank. She needs to establish a ‘no contact’ period to allow both parties to detach emotionally. If Frank continues to call excessively, she must clearly state that all communication must stop unless related to immediate logistics that can be handled by a third party, effectively shifting the burden of transition back to him.
REDDIT USERS WERE STUNNED – YOU WON’T BELIEVE SOME OF THESE REACTIONS.
The individual is experiencing significant distress, self-blame, and guilt following the dissolution of a long-term engagement due to developing feelings for another person. The central conflict lies between her desire to explore a new relationship with Matt and the lingering sense of responsibility and obligation she feels towards her former fiancé, Frank, whom she is still actively supporting despite ending the engagement.
Given the intense emotional aftermath and the continued contact, is the former fiancé’s persistent pursuit and the resulting self-blame from the original poster (OP) a consequence of poor boundary setting, or is the OP ethically responsible for his inability to move on after initiating the breakup?
