For eight years, two souls intertwined by love and shared dreams have built a life filled with laughter, hope, and unwavering commitment. Their bond, forged in the innocence of youth and strengthened through countless memories, was destined to last a lifetime—anchored by plans of a future together, a home of their own, and a promise to never let go.
Yet beneath the surface of this seemingly perfect union, a silent storm has been brewing. The fading intimacy, once a flame that burned bright, now flickers dangerously low, casting shadows of doubt and unspoken pain. What was once a source of joy and connection has become a quiet ache, threatening to unravel the very foundation they’ve spent years nurturing.
AITAH for refusing to move in with my Long-term GF until our sex life improves
Dr. Esther Perel, a world-renowned psychotherapist and author of Mating in Captivity, states that “the quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives.” In this case, the couple is experiencing a total breakdown in their ability to solve problems together. Janine’s refusal to seek medical help for her physical pain or attend therapy shows that she is likely engaging in avoidant behavior. This avoidance makes the narrator feel that his emotional and physical needs are not important, which has created a wall of resentment between them.
The narrator’s choice to halt the mortgage process is a way of setting a personal boundary, but Janine perceives it as an ultimatum. When a partner feels that their future is being used as a bargaining chip for sex, they often pull away further to protect themselves. This creates a cycle where one person pushes for change and the other person shuts down. While the narrator’s frustration is valid after a year of inaction, the way he communicated his boundary at the last minute has shifted the focus from a medical and emotional issue to a power struggle over a house.
It was appropriate for the narrator to stop the mortgage process because a legal financial commitment should not be entered into during a relationship crisis. However, the situation was handled poorly by both parties. My recommendation is that the couple should immediately stop discussing the house and instead prioritize a medical evaluation for Janine followed by couples counseling. They must focus on healing their intimacy and communication as separate issues from their financial plans before they consider signing any property contracts together.
THIS STORY SHOOK THE INTERNET – AND REDDITORS DIDN’T HOLD BACK.
I’ve had two pelvic floor Botox injections and use muscle relaxers and a Valium suppository. Finally for the first time in years I was able to have partial sex with my husband without pain.
That would be a no go. Also, do not buy a home together. You’re setting yourself up for major problems by doing so. If she’s not willing to make the effort to help resolve this issue then nothing will change. Go read r/deadbedrooms to get a look what your future holds.
If you want to have sex, there is no future. You can’t hold something at ransom that doesn’t exist. I’ll also be honest, I’d be very wary if sex “got better” just long enough to get the house.
And she said “of course, yes”
And I said, so that means if the sex sucks or if there is no sex, I cannot go outside the relationship for it at all?
And she said “yes, that’s how I want the marriage to be”
Then I said, and if I cheated you’d divorce me?
Then I said……….ok, then we have a problem, see, if I marry you, and you’re let’s say a terrible driver; then that’s ok…….because I can drive, or we can take public transit or whatever; But if I marry you, and the sex sucks or is non-existent, I’m screwed because you will be the only option I have for sex……so if things will be like this I can’t marry you. We broke up soon after. Sounds like you should too.
The man is currently feeling emotionally neglected and fearful that a mortgage will lock him into a relationship lacking physical intimacy. He views physical connection as a vital part of a healthy partnership and is unwilling to move forward without effort from his partner. Meanwhile, Janine feels betrayed and manipulated by what she perceives as a sexual ultimatum, believing that her partner is using their future home as a tool for coercion. This conflict highlights a deep divide between his need for physical intimacy and her need for unconditional commitment regardless of her current physical struggles.
Is it reasonable for a partner to pause a major life milestone until long-standing intimacy and communication issues are addressed through professional help? Or is it fundamentally wrong to make a significant financial commitment and shared future dependent on a partner’s ability to engage in sexual activity?
