My wife and I have two daughters: Hanna (28) and Jody (26). Both are engaged to wonderful men we adore. Over the years, we carefully saved roughly $50,000 for each daughter as a wedding fund. We aren’t rich, so it took a lot of budgeting to save this while helping pay for college.
We sat down with each daughter separately to discuss wedding plans — they didn’t know about the fund, which in hindsight was our first mistake.
Hanna immediately said she wanted a small wedding, more like a courthouse ceremony with a reception next year, so she’d rather save money for a house deposit. We agreed to give her the wedding fund for that purpose, but again, we never communicated that explicitly.
Jody wanted a decent-sized wedding — something the fund could cover. We also decided to pay for several family members from out of the country to attend, even though we knew it would be expensive. It had been nearly 20 years since we’d seen some of them, and it was a once-in-a-lifetime event.
However, costs spiraled out of control, and we ended up taking $15,000 from Hanna’s wedding fund to cover the extra expenses, which we justified since it was due to our choices, not Jody’s.
The wedding happened a few weeks ago, and it was perfect.
The problem? Hanna now knows we paid for most of her sister’s wedding but isn’t aware of how much it really cost or that her own fund was used.
A week later, Hanna told us she changed her mind after seeing how beautiful the wedding was and now wants a similarly lavish wedding with all our extended family.
We had to explain that we couldn’t cover the extras again — we thought it would be a one-time thing. We told her she’d be getting around $35,000 toward a house deposit and we’d host her reception at home.
She completely melted down, accused us of favoritism, and left in tears. Now she rarely visits or meets up like she used to.
The situation’s escalated with other family members weighing in, which has been tough for us.
My wife suggests we dip into our savings to cover the extra $25-30k to smooth things over. Part of me agrees, but most of me is angry that we might jeopardize our retirement because Hanna changed her mind.
I also believe her decision is partly fueled by the competition our daughters have had growing up.
AITA for wanting to stick to the original plan? My wife disagrees.
Heres what people had to say to OP:
SillyMidOff49 – YTA. So you took money from one’s fund to make the first’s EVEN MORE extravagant… Look, what you’re doing is an incredible gift, 99{39ca6eb452c0ce4419cd73a8f3bd18a23fe95ab4febb092bc2ab1b542eeea82f} of us will never get that kind of money spent on us and you’re certainly incredibly generous. BUT you were playing favourites, your eldest daughter decided on a more practical use of the money, and she was punished for it…??
Your younger daughter got to have her wishes fulfilled at your expense, and you promised equality between the two… then AFTER the fact you decide the elder one is getting less.. It’s a slap in the face. Whether she’s acting entitled or not is up for debate but you naturally feel entitled to something that you’re promised…. You built her up to knock her down.
bihan_diablo – YTA. The original plan was 50k for each of them.. So Jody got 65{39ca6eb452c0ce4419cd73a8f3bd18a23fe95ab4febb092bc2ab1b542eeea82f} and Hanna got 35{39ca6eb452c0ce4419cd73a8f3bd18a23fe95ab4febb092bc2ab1b542eeea82f} of the 100k.. ‘Extra costs were due to our decisions not Jody’s’ But why would you dip into Hanna’s fund – weren’t you going to give her 50k for a house deposit since she was going to have a cheaper wedding? Yes your money is your money, but you were playing favourites.. If you can top up Hanna’s to 50k.
CourtOfPublicApplaus – A part of me agrees but a larger part of me is angry that we have to mess with our retirement just because Hanna changed her mind. No, you have to mess with your retirement because you made poor financial choices in the first wedding and didn’t put your foot down where you needed to with regard to expenses.
You felt like you had excess cash in the funds when you didn’t and that is a mistake you need to own up to and take responsibility for. Jody needs to repay the difference in the wedding costs (she wanted a big wedding, good for her, she puts in the work then) based on the fact that you had an honest open discussion about how much you were willing to spend (you did this, right OP?… Right…)
And she decided that wasn’t good enough and wanted 15k in extras. Hanna just wants to be treated as an equal, and she legitimately didn’t realize she wanted a big wedding until her sister had one, this happens with siblings, and it’s something you signed up for as parents when you had your second child.
They would be in competition with one another for a lifetime, and you are the impartial mediator of the issues, demonstrating fairness and ability to judge situations where there are difficult or ambiguous circumstances. Basically you messed up, and you are playing good kid bad kid. Personally, I’d have avoided paying for any wedding costs at all,
and instead just given them each cash to expend where they see fit. Since you chose to be a part of the wedding team on wedding #1, you have to choose to be a part of wedding team #2 with equal weight. Of course the other options is you disown the lesser daughter and keep the one you prefer.. YTA. Manage your finances better.
DubiousDutchy – A larger part of me is angry that we have to mess with our retirement just because Hanna changed her mind. So, you’re not angry with yourself for spending more of the money you promised you would keep aside for her? Because that is the root of the problem you guys are facing now….. YTA, if you blame this on your daughter…
moongirl12 – YTA wtf. You took 15k from a fund you promised one daughter to pay for the other daughter’s wedding and have the nerve to tell her to suck it up? That is incredibly f**ked up. You are essentially penalizing your daughter for your own excess spending.
S5daysinmay – YTA. Until the planning was done, she had every right to change her mind about the type of wedding she wants. Additionally, you still should have kept the amounts even whether it was for a house or a wedding – you essentially punished the one for wanting a house instead of a party.
No wonder they are competitive. You have to now mess with your retirement because of your decisions to spend more than the budget, not because she changed her mind. The blame lies squarely on your shoulders, not hers.
McFeely_Smackup – YTA. You stole $15K from one daughter to give to the other. You can insist that it was your money to do what you want with, but you agreed to give Hanna $50K for a house purchase, then gave her money to Jody. The only thing you said that I agree with is ‘everything should stick to the original plan’…which YOU didn’t do.
ManateeJamboree – YTA: You ARE playing favorites by being unequal with them. You’re literally giving one daughter a lot more money. You should have left the other account alone and she would have been able to use that money for a future house or whatever.
Instead she’s punished for having a more affordable wedding? Of course she’s changed her mind now, she saw how great the other wedding was.. You should have thought of this sooner. Don’t blame your daughter, blame yourself for poor planning.
PerspicaciousMarple – Sorry, but YTA. You’re mad that you may have to go 30k into your savings. Sure, I get that. But no one forced you to dip into the one daughter’s money to fund the other’s wedding.
The fact that you did this without hesitation (and have the audacity to now blame the wronged daughter for your error of judgement) tells me that this sort of thing has happened before.. You’re worried about competition between daughters? There are reasons it exists.
ensalys – Daughters: were getting married! You: great! We have money saved up for the occasion! Daughter 1: nice, I’ll be able to have an extravagant wedding! Daughter 2: I’d rather use it on a house, if that’s okay with you.. You: okay. Also you: I’ll upgrade daughter 1’s wedding to an extra extravagant wedding from the money that would’ve gone to daughter 2’s down-payment.
YTA, I don’t see how you wouldn’t be? When you have children you don’t have to do everything 100{39ca6eb452c0ce4419cd73a8f3bd18a23fe95ab4febb092bc2ab1b542eeea82f} equal all the time, different people have different wishes. However, you shouldn’t make as big of a difference as you’re doing here. Not only are you making a huge difference between your daughters, you’re also effectively going back on your word.
