AITA for kicking my son out?

NTA I think your son is going to continue to be a loser whether you pay for college or not. A better education that he’s gotten from throwing a tantrum won’t pay for him a better attitude.

NTA.

What you’ve got there is “failure to launch.”

In which case it’s time to roll out a catapult.

One thing I have learned is that people are really manipulative when they are trying to get money from someone else. Don’t let him trying to be manipulative mean that you are doing something wrong as a parent.

Hopefully he will learn as he gets older. You can’t count on it. But you also can’t control if he does either. It is up to him to learn now.

NTA

Your son is acting like an entitled brat. His sister was able to use the budget and make it work; he decided to go a different way, knowing the consequences, and is now upset that his plan didn’t work out.

The way he’s acting while living in your home rent free is unacceptable and 3 months notice is more than plenty.

NTA He was given a giant leg up and he blew it. Time for him to grow up and take responsibility for himself. Most of us aren’t anywhere near as privileged as your son.

NTA. Your son has issues and is entitled. By giving in to his demands you’re enabling in him. You can support by helping him access mental health services or seeing a financial aid advisor together. You did the responsible thing you saved for his education and presented options. You’re a good parent.

NTA, and your son is going to be a loser until he grows up and takes responsibility for himself and his decisions, regardless of whether he has a degree. He screwed up, and is blaming all of it on you and your wife. He clearly didn’t take you seriously on the college fund issue, while your daughter did. He’s got to own his decisions. I wasn’t your fault for “letting” him make the decision, and it wasn’t your fault that he stopped going, spent a lot of money on Amazon, etc. You told him how much you could give him, and gave him that money. You didn’t do anything wrong. If you do cave and give him money for school, there will still be some problems because he will learn that he doesn’t have to be accountable for his decisions.

NTA. Your son had more opportunities than a lot of other kids in America and he squandered them. He’s acting extremely entitled. If he wants to go back to school, let him do it the way most people do: by working and taking out loans.

NTA. He’s trying to guilt trip and manipulate you into giving him more money while not taking responsibility for his own choices. Also how does he plan on getting married and having kids when he’s unemployed and couch surfing? You’re showing him tough love. Stay strong. Throwing money at him will not solve his problems.

NTA

He doesn’t seem to have a clear idea of what he wants to go to school for. And if he can’t hold a steady job, I don’t have a lot of confidence in him staying in school and performing well. He needs to at minimum demonstrate dedication to some goal before you guys consider helping him out any more.

NTA

The only chance he has of becoming a responsible mature adult is if you stop taking care of him. By my math he is at least 24 years old and can barely support himself. He has not had to be responsible because you have allowed him to live rent free. You have created this situation so step up and be a parent now and make him face the consequences of his choices.

NTA. Basic 2nd grade addition and reasoning would have told him 53k was not enough for 4 years at college and he would have to pay the rest himself. At 18, you’re old enough to understand how much tens of thousands of dollars is.

He’s got no responsibilities and everything paid for. And he’s clearly okay with that and will make no move to change. He needs a wake-up call or this will continue forever.

No. Spoiled boy is angry. So what. Do not pay for his college. A degree does not guarantee a good job. You son is the AH, making excuses.

NTA. The hardest lessons are often the best.

NTA if you pay for his tuition he is still going to end up a loser because he won’t have learned anything he’s going to continue to party jump majors not go to classes he’ll end up with no degree and you’ll end up never being able to retire.

>my wife wants to just pay for his schooling so he doesn’t end up a loser.

Uhh, I hate to break this to your wife, he’s already ended up a loser, and now you’re enabling his selfish and entitled lifestyle.

NTA, better to kick him out now so he can learn how to live on his own sooner than later.

NTA you gave both your children a great head start, you tried, unfortunely your son is an entitled. brat that needs to grow up.

NTA. It’s very difficult, but you’re really doing him a favor. If you give in, he’ll likely do the same thing and never learn. If possible, you can assist with a student loan AFTER he graduates.

NTA, he was in a fortunate position that you were able to contribute anything towards his college. Don’t give him anymore money otherwise you teach him that throwing a tantrum means he will get his way.

NTA

He has to find someone to marry him first. But sounds like he needs stability – maybe he can join the military and get more money for college. You tried to explain to him about going to a state university but unfortunately he would not listen.

NTA.

He’s not a loser because he didn’t complete college, he’s a loser because of his attitude. Hopefully now that he’s away from you he will mature. Sometimes having parents around just allows adult children to regress into a teenage kind of mentality. They would never get away with treating their roommates like they do their parents.

NTA He’s mid 20’s, right? Time to grow up. Time to pay his own way, not expect the bank of mom & dad to cover everything. You should change the locks on your house & your garage door code, too.

Unfortunately I am not sure your wife’s suggestion to just pay for school will ‘fix’ your son.

College isn’t going to solve his problem. He claims that at age 18 he didn’t understand his financial decisions, but even now he is making bad financial choices,. Worse, he blames you.

Just look at the list!

>he started buying so much stuff off Amazon
>
>he started spending it on video games and clothing
>
>He started smoking weed and not working playing video games all day and I think the company caught on and laid him off
>
>He complained he didn’t understand what that meant at 18 and it was our fault for letting him
>
>I told him he should just take out loans to study at the cheaper school but he says I should be paying for his school and isn’t budging.
>
> he thinks we have treated him unfairly by not giving him more money.
>
>He also stays up late partying and comes home at midnight disrupting out sleeping and refuses to do chores even when he is living rent free.

You are **NTA.** I do not believe giving him money will help. You have told him how to succeed, and he is *choosing* not to.

The only suggestion I have beyond kicking him out is to get him to therapy. When he is ready to succeed he knows how to do it.

Good luck.

>my wife wants to just pay for his schooling so he doesn’t end up a loser

NTA. Sorry OP, but he’s already a loser. Dropped out of college. Can’t keep a job. Smoking weed all day. Playing video games instead of working. Living rent free yet not doing any chores. Blames others for his actions or lack thereof. If that’s not a loser, I don’t know what is.

If you and your wife give him any more money, you are fools. He has not shown initiative in 4 years. He could have been taking classes at a community college or saving the money he earned instead of wasting it on weed, games, and who knows what else.

You think giving money will make him change? Hell to da no!

NTA. My dad kicked my older brother out when he was 23 because he was living it up and partying and not becoming a responsible adult. So he rented a guest house on the property of a woman with 4 daughters. He wound up marrying one of them. 27 years later he thanks my dad at every family celebration ‘if you had not kicked me out I would not have this ……‘ . Hoping for you that someday soon your son appreciates the push towards a better future.

NTA

You both contributed more than enough for both of your children to attend college and make their way.

Your daughter used that to her advantage. Your son did not. And then he refused any and all advice.

So much entitlement.

He needs to better himself and…get over himself.

NTA Your wife and you saved a lot of money, certainly enough to pay for University for both children. Your daughter made it work but your son wanted prestige more than a real education. Lots of kids work to pay for their schooling. He could have worked part time during the first 2 or 3 years and saved enough money to pay for his final year or two. If he wants to finish University then he should be saving up now. He wants to spend his money on fun stuff and have you pay for the rest of his schooling. You already did that, he messed it up so let him figure out a solution. And btw, I see no difference in maturity from 18 to now, he’s still acting entitled and not acting like an adult.

OP, you’ve done your duty; it’s me time…and your wife too. If you have some extra cash, take a nice vacation together…a second honeymoon. Then finish paying off mortgages and debts and start saving for retirement. One can’t rely on the government providing pensions, social security or whatever your country provides. Things are getting more and more expensive and you don’t want to be clocking into a job at 75. Make sure you have a place to live and enough funds to live comfortably. That should be your focus and your kids can figure out their own lives now. Your job is done!

NTA

And do NOT give him more money. He has squandered every single opportunity given him and that he worked for. He needs to grow the fuck up.

NTA, I’ve never understood the people who demand their parents pay for college. I understand that it would be a great advantage to have help paying for it, but you don’t go demanding money because you were reckless. I’m paying for my own college with no help from parents. Yes it’s tough, but it’s not impossible.

NTA – Change the locks

NTA- sounds like it’s to late to avoid what your wife fears…

Hon. Your son really needs to grow up. I’d expect this from a 14 year old.

This is a tough one, as a parent. I’m on team you. NTA.

Too late. He’s already a loser.

NTA. Never, ever, reward bad behavior. He just assumed mommy and daddy would bail him out. He wasted what money he did make, so he wasn’t sincere about going to back to school. It wouldn’t be fair to your daughter to give him extra assistance (and you would be wasting your money), unless you plan to give her a monetary gift of the same amount. You would be enabling his selfish, bad behavior.

NTA. As someone who just graduated and had to pay most of my own way through school (thank goodness for loans) your son has got an opportunity of a lifetime and he essentially blew it. He’ll figure his way out it just may be a little rough for a bit getting on his feet. No need to send more money as 52k is a crazy amount to get given for school and good on you guys for saving for him. It’s a shame some just don’t jump on the opportunities given.

NTA. Half of college students get no money for college, you saved 106K, that’s no small feat!

It’s also simple math – 53k when used on a 27k/year school only lasts 2 years. That kind of addition and subtraction only requires an elementary school level of education.

I hope he gets his act together, you don’t need front row seats to his downward spiral.

>he says I should be paying for his school

Entitlement aside (and oh boy, is that some spicy entitlement), you already gave him *$53,000* and expressly told him there’d be no more after that. He went to a school that costs over half his entire college fund per year, when he could have gone to a cheaper school and been nearly debt free with a degree. You even told him as much.

I feel bad for him, because it’s kind of insane that post-secondary education costs that much in the US. But he still knows he got exactly the same as his sister did, and she’s doing great. He also probably knows that he could go back to school and be frugal while living with you and then you wouldn’t want him out (as fast anyway). Instead he’s unemployed, stoned all day playing video games and demanding money.

NTA kick him out

NTA You and your wife were generous and spelled it out for them. Proof that you did well is the fact that your daughter was able to leverage the help you gave her and turned it into a successful life. I think with your son it’s just a case where he thought, from the beginning, that when push came to shove you and your wife would always bail him out. That would explain why he blew all his money on an expensive school. It explains why he slacks off. It explains why he’s mad you won’t give him more money. I think your wife is too optimistic. If you paid for tuition at the state university, does she really think he’ll turn into a success story like your daughter? I don’t. I see nothing in your description of him and his attitude to make me think paying for his schooling, again, is going to solve his problems. Maybe having to deal with the consequences of his bad choices is what he needs to be a better person.

NTA, you met your obligations as his parents and went above and beyond in trying to give your children a head start in life even after they were adults. If he didn’t understand basic math at 18 then that’s a failure on his part, because even the worst public school teach base level math. 27*4=108 108-56=52 (I know 4th graders who can do this math) Even if he only had an estimate of the costs I doubt it was estimated at half it’s actual cost. So that argument falls Massively flat.

He clearly hasn’t learned anything about being an adult and if he hasn’t learned it through you trying to prep him then he needs to learn it through trial by fire. If a kid refuses to take your word that the pot will burn them, eventually you let them touch it and ask what they learned. This is the same, he hasn’t learned that life won’t be handed to him despite being told, so now you let him learn it the hard way.

I have a feeling you could pay for that child until the cows come home and it wouldn’t help.

NTA

NTA.
Your son wants to have his cake, and eat it to.

Time for tough love

NTA. Stick to your guns. It would be unfair to your daughter at the very least for you to change now. Your son needs to grow up and take responsibility for his own affairs. Giving him tuition money now will not help at all. It will not keep him from being a loser. Growing up and taking responsibility will keep him from being a loser. Tough love.

NTA You saved 53k for his college. Even with the expensive school, he could have stretched that over four years by working a part time job and paying 12-15k himself each year, and graduated debt free. He chose poorly and now expects you to pay. That’s bullshit.

How old is Son now? If you want to shut him up, tell him that as soon as he turns 26, he can fill out the FAFSA with only his income, not yours. Given what you’ve described, he’ll probably qualify for a Pell grant and some subsidized government loans that don’t accrue interest until after you graduate. If he’s learned anything, he’ll use that at a cheap school so he can minimize the amount of unsubsidized loans he has to take out. If he does that, he can graduate at 28, get a job, and be done paying back his loans by 30. But that plan requires him to get his shit together.

NTA.

NTA. Your son is an adult and you’re treating him as such. Adulthood comes with bills and responsibilities. Your son is very fortunate that you have him so much money towards his education, a lot of people have to rely on loans.

>He complained he didn’t understand what that meant at 18 and it was our fault for letting him.

LMAO your son would’ve gotten mad at you if you didn’t let him go to that school anyway. It’s his own fault so he can’t really blame you. NTA people who make dumb decisions need to deal with the consequences.

NTA. And….He is already a loser by my calculations

NTA. Your kids both had the same choices available to them. Your son didn’t think through his choice and he is paying the consequences. College tuition payments is not a right of any child from a parent. If your parents can help you by paying, you are beyond fortunate these days. It sounds like your son squandered his money and his time at the more expensive university. How would it look to help him with more money when he and your daughter had the same options? Not to mention, now that he’s not in school, he’s doing nothing to pull himself out of the hole he’s in. Partying, smoking weed, being disrespectful when he’s living rent free? Entitled behavior. Paying more for him doesn’t automatically get him on the right track. Nor does it change his behavior. Sometimes, people have to fail in order to learn their lessons and appreciate their blessings in life. He is an adult, you and your wife are no longer responsible for his choices. If he wants to continue his downward spiral, that’s on on one’s shoulders but his own.

NTA. I’m sorry, your son already sounds like a loser. Why pay him for it?

NTA, good for sticking to your guns on this. You did a wonderful thing for your kids, and guided them as best you could. One listened, the other didn’t. And that doesn’t sound like it is on you.

NTA

I went to college with no college fund. I worked 40+ hour nights while taking 21 credits every semester. I had loans and I have paid most back.

It’s a matter of deciding what you want and working for it. Your son doesn’t want to work for anything. He wants it handed to him. If you or your wife give him money your just enabling and he won’t get his shit together.

NTA. Your son is living in a different reality. Time for the reality check.

NTA – you did pay for his schooling and he still ended up like this, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing again expecting a different response. Be there for emotional support, offer help in finding programs/grants he is eligible for, or maybe if you are going to pay for anything offer to pay for therapy because he has some serious failure to launch….but don’t throw good money after bad when his behaviour tells you he still doesn’t have the maturity to make sound decisions.

NTA. My parents did a similar thing. They had an account for each of us. We could go to college & they’d pay, take the money and do what we wanted with it or get a new car. Once we chose, that was it … No changing. I chose college. The money they had saved went toward that & they made up the difference. My brother went to a local school and lives at home & they paid for everything. My sister chose college but dropped out. She then wanted a new car since she didn’t finish school. My parents said hell no, you knew the deal and made your choice. Your son is an adult. He made his choice & needs to live with those consequences.

**Edit because I posted mid-sentence lol

NTA – And I see your wife is the soft touch here. Does she always enable him? I would have been absolutely thrilled to have been given any money for college, let alone 53k.

Your son had a major advantage, chose to squander it and is now having a tantrum that you won’t keep setting money on fire for him. And now your wife wants to cave and give it to him? Oh, hell no. I’d be kicking him out, too, with his behavior.

And with the life he’s living, I wouldn’t hold my breath on that wife and kids. I think what your wife fears about him ending up as has already happened.

He’s already a loser. And it’s up to him to change that. NTA, you’ve done your part, been MORE than reasonable.

NTA and your son should not get a penny. Your wife is succumbing to his manipulation and that is unhealthy for both of them.

Uh, does your wife understand that he will never ever finish school, especially if you guys are the ones paying. It’s too late, he is a loser, and only he can undo that.

NTA

NTA. Paying for more college could harm your relationship with your daughter. I would however give him a last chance: pay for a programming bootcamp and that might be a way out. Maybe have him living at home with no partying and limited liberties. I’m finishing one atm to reconvert, there’s a big need for programmers right now and it could be his way out without spitting to your daughter’s face.

NTA. Don’t give him more money. He has already shown you he is not responsible or careful with money. He is not interested in school. I don’t think you need to worry too much about “wife and kids” at this point, although there may be an unintended kid or two later down the road.

You have been incredibly generous to allow him to live with you rent free all these years. As I read your story, I wondered how you knew about the smoking, the Amazon addiction, the gaming, etc., but it’s clear at the end: because you were there, seeing it all. I know it wrenches your hearts that he has failed his promise and not graduated or built a solid life and career for himself. Some kids can do it with no help; some can do it without college, but your son has chosen a different lifestyle.

You did a good job of helping as much as you can. At this point helping means letting him live his life and live with the consequences of his choices. You have done your job as parents. Don’t give him money to waste enabling this wastrel lifestyle.

NTA & I think your son is living in a fantasy world. Not too many women out there who are looking to marry someone who sits around smoking weed & playing video games.

NTA. Also, you won’t have to worry about going to his wedding; no self-respecting person is going to marry him with that attitude. I give it a month before his friends kick him out, too. He needs the wake up call.

NTA. My parents paid for not one cent of my college. I would be so unbelievably grateful for 53k. I would be almost completely out of debt. Loan payments absolutely suck but if he gets a better job he can pay them off as he goes, or save in an account with a somewhat decent interest rate. There’s gotta be options.

NTA , however I do disagree with many here. While I think you son may be entitled and spoiled, he also seems extremely depressed !! I would give some tough love but also try to get him some professional help along with a life coach. It’s seems the downward trigger/spiral was Covid.

NTA. What a spoiled, entitled brat.

NTA. I put myself through college with a small investment account that had less than 20k in it, scholarships, and working. Your son doesn’t respect what you did do and he won’t respect whatever you choose to do for him moving forward.

NTA. If I were you I would’ve kicked him out a long time ago. Your son knew fully well how much money he was getting for college. He should consider himself lucky because most kids nowadays don’t get help from their parents, they end up working and taking out student loans to pay for their schooling. Your younger daughter was smart with her money and sure knew what to do with it. Good for her. She should be applauded for it! I hate to say it but your son isn’t going to become a loser, he became one years ago. Both of your kids are, in a way, privileged but your daughter put it to good use and is thriving while your son used it all up and has nothing to show for it. Please stand your ground and never lend your son money and never let him live with you again. I hope your daughter doesn’t help him either. He needs to learn that actions, good and bad, have consequences. What he did isn’t your fault and you and your wife shouldn’t blame yourselves. He made poor choices and has to live with them.

NTA

Your son is going to be a shiftless loser, noatter how much money/education he gets. Put his butt on the street.

Sorry, he already is a loser. Hopefully, he’ll eventually decide to stop being a loser, but not if you give him more money.

I’m sorry for the tension in your relationship, but the brutal truth is that your son is already a loser. Your daughter heard the same thing your son did, and chose a prudent course. You tried very earnestly to get your son to do the same, but to no avail. You have repeatedly urged him to take out student loans and finish his college studies in state. His response has been to adopt a lifestyle of drug use and unemployment. At this point, I am dubious any self respecting young woman would consider him as good husband material. Given his apparent lifestyle, even if you did pay for his final two years of school, I’m dubious about his potential to buckle down and finish a degree.

In short, I think you have done everything parents could do. He’s now an adult, and the rest of his life is up to him.

Best wishes.

NTA. All your son had to do was take loans out to finish their degree. Your son is being an immature brat.

Honestly the biggest assholes in this situation are the schools making college/university so financially inaccessible and the predatory student loan companies turning a 50k debt into a 200k debt that borrowers will never be able to pay off. That being said, NTA. There are plenty of ways you can support your son without enabling his irresponsible behavior.

ESH

He is an ah for expecting more than his sibling got and not handling the situation the best, however you are the ah because you “didn’t anticipate college was going to get so expensive”. What did you think was gonna happen? College was gonna get cheaper?

Why have multiple children if you can’t provide for them? He didn’t ask to be brought into this messed up world. You forced that upon him.

So if he needs a little extra help, as a parent you would do your best to help them.
Parenting doesn’t stop when the child turns 18 (or 21) (or 80)

I started reading biased in the “anyone who kick his kid out is AH” but after reading all I now say NTA.
He is a full grown man, it is unfortunate he did not make savvy choices despite (sounds like) you tried to give him good advice.
One question though: I don’t get the story of his wedding and seeing his kids… did he manage to make more bad choices while not saving money for his education?

INFO: could you realistically afford to pay more for college? I’m not advocating for it given what your son has been up to recently but I hate it when families with money won’t spend money on college just because they want their bmw 5 series or vacations to Europe.

NTA, paying for his college isn’t going to keep him from being a loser, self motivation does that. He has none. If you give him money he will only squander it again.

NTA.

He needs to find his way, but not while living in your house.

Sorry to tell you but sounds like he is already a loser. Guarantee you could pay for college but he would end up with a worthless degree, and still won’t bother to keep a job.

He sounds depressed.

You may (or your wife) should try to get him diagnosed to see if he has some kind of mental health issue going on.

But NTA

NTA

NTA, he needs to accept that this is the path HE chose!

NTA you treated them equally. Honestly, the school doesn’t make people not a ‘loser.’ Having a good work ethic and planning does. He is a vain, spoiled brat that is a loser for his own actions and no one elses.

You really need to see if you can get him in therapy. He sounds depressed af. Idk my knee jerk was a definitive you are tah when I started reading it but I feel like, from your perspective, you tried. You told him multiple times how much he had to spend. He chose to go to an out of state school AND change majors. There’s nothing wrong with that, but he knew how much money he had to play with and he went ahead and did it anyway without budgeting. You can’t carry him forever, even though you probably want to because that’s your kid. NTA, I guess, but I’m still kinda torn.

NTA. Your son does need to learn how to be an adult, and if he manages to save enough money to go back to school, he will treat it with way more respect than if you gave him the tuition money.

I will say in his defense, the US is completely f**ked with how expensive college is. No 18 year old should make financial decisions which will have the ramifications of hundreds of thousands of dollars. He is still TA for not taking responsibility for his choices.

NTA. I chose to go in state when I was in high school, and didn’t even apply elsewhere.

NTA. If your son ended up as a loser, its because he choose to do so. He made all the bad decisions that lead him to his current state. Any money you funnel down his way is likely going to end up resulting in nothing.

>He yelled at me when we weren’t ever going to his wedding or seeing his kids and my wife wants to just pay for his schooling so he doesn’t end up a loser.

Says the guy who blew through $53k with nothing to show for and can’t afford his degree. I wonder who’s paying for his wedding.

Too late. NTA

NTA – Your son will (hopefully) figure it out when the friend/ roommate kicks him out for this type of behavior in their household.

My other thought is that if you do pay for his school, that would be very unfair to your daughter since she isn’t getting more. If she could figure it out at 18 and handled the money well, i don’t see why that is a valid excuse for your son. While you’re daughter may not need the extra money, it would still be unfair since she made her way with what she was given.

NTA, he believes he is entitled, also tell him the world needs ditch diggers and truck drivers.

Btw, truck drivers can make more than the average salary of person with a Masters degree, but it does require effort.

NTA. my parents had the same plan for my siblings and i and I had to save for half of my schooling as well. I wouldn’t buy into that behaviour. He needs to learn and sometimes it takes a shove out of the nest unfortunately

NTA. Your son is a man and needs to take responsibility for his choices. he was extremely lucky that you gave him anything for college. That he wasted it… is his own fault. Hopefully he will right himself and find his own successful path.

NTA —– There is no reason to give him more money. He made his choices and now must live with the consequences. He chose the entitled route. He feels bad because his sister is making good money. Actions have consequences. As his actions were his, so were the consequences.

NTA–There’s no amount of book learnin’ or $$$ that keeps a loser from being a loser. You held up your very generous end of a $53k deal. You’re done. Kiddo is an adult and can do whatever he wants, except extort you and your wife.

NTA, your son made his own choices. You tried to make him see but unfortunately kids have to learn the hard way. I know, i was one of those kids. But that was totally generous to even give him 53k. I took out loans and did college all by myself while working two jobs. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Unreasonable decisions and emotional blackmail is not okay to put on you. Sure wish my parents treated their children equally. Guess which one has no debt?

NTA the I need all this money is such nonsense. I work 40 hours a week. First year I was in Student Senate as my pt job on top of my ft. Student Senate paid for two classes at a time. Second year I got onto Executive Council that comes with a tuition waiver. low enrollment rates tell him to suck it up go to a community College and work at Student jobs and get a tuition waiver.

NTA – this is a no win situation, he may have to reach rock bottom before he can truly realise where his choices has lead him. You’ve done what you can, $53,000 dollars just as equal with his sister

NTA, and newsflash for him; if he acts like that (a NEET) and is resentful at more successful people his age he’s got a cold chance in hell of finding a partner.

NTA

I love the way his failures are all your fault – very telling to his attitude, and lack of taking responsibility. NTA

NTA but the real AH is how expensive American college is. op’s son is a fool for squandering the hand he was dealt with

NTA your wife needs to understand he’s already a loser by thinking he’s entitled to more than there was

NTA.

If you had a larger sample size of kids and they all ended up losers, I’d say there’s something wrong with your parenting. The fact that sister ended up just fine indicates this really isn’t on you. Plus you set clear limits early on, and all his problems have been a consequence of his own actions. The fact that he got 53k is more then most people get anyway.

It’s unfortunate, but as parents we can only steer the ship so much before it sails away on it’s own.

NTA hes already a loser.

nta. and as far as your wife not wanting him to be a loser? too late..

You shouldn’t feel obligated to pay for your kids college. I sympathize with your son not wanting to take out loans, but at this point your son’s education is his responsibility and if he isn’t willing to pay for it himself he is already on the path to becoming a loser and that probably isn’t going to change if his parents foot the bill so NTA. Not that it is relavent, but my parents didn’t pay for my college education (although they probably would have if they could)

NTA sounds like your son has depression kicking him out not always the best thing.

NTA. My parents made us the same deal (4 years in state). I was the only one who took them up on it. Only one without undergrad student loans.

NTA

NTA. Time for him to stand on his own and face the consequences of his poor decisions. Helping him won’t do that. If you do, it will never stop. Your wife needs to understand that. Your son is entitled. He needs a reality check and this is it. Don’t allow yourselves to be emotionally blackmailed.

NTA, honestly you should have e kicked him out when he started smoking weed. He’s already a loser for not taking advice.

NTA. He already is a loser. Most people don’t get 53K to pay for college, and they still managed. Your son wasted all of his money, was indecisive and lazy, and now expects you to pay for him to live far outside his own means because despite the huge amount of help and privilege you afforded him, he still couldn’t succeed. He entitled, lazy, and whiny, and he blames you for his failures instead of facing up to fact that he failed because of him, and he failed despite the fact that he was given a huge advantage. If you give him money he will waste it like he wasted the $53K you already gave him. You can’t make him something he’s not, and I wouldn’t be super worried about the wedding or grandkids yet, jobless losers who blame everyone around them for everything that goes wrong and never take responsibility for their own actions aren’t really attractive to most sane women. No offense. But it’s true. You tried your best, the rest is up to him.

NTA unless you decide to give him more money which would be unfair to your daughter. Your daughter managed to understand what going to the in-state school vs going out-of-state meant, got her degree, and is now a functioning adult. Your son has no excuses. He is, unfortunately, acquiring the mentality of a lot of low-wage workers that think because they only make enough to get by, why bother trying to save at all, so any little extra they get they blow on crap (i.e. video games, clothing, Amazon stuff). Giving him more money doesn’t ensure he would actually finish college.

NTA. I don’t know if anyone else has said it, but I will say that in the son’s defense, he probably really didn’t know what he was doing at 18. He probably could have used more guidance from you, instead of completely free range use of the money. The money that you and your wife worked hard to save has basically been wasted. It’s depressing.
You are not the asshole though, because even if you could have or should have given him more guidance then, he still knew what the deal was and he has had plenty of time to figure things out in his own and it sounds like he’d rather just throw himself a pity party.

I super agree with kicking him out now. I think he still needs some parenting and planning help though, so if you could continue to lend a hand with planning conversations and even having a planned sit down talk about different paths he might take, the costs of the different options such as a CC, cheaper school, loans, or possibly trying to find a trade to help him figure out how to get unstuck. He may just have a hard time understanding the longer term picture, as evidenced by the fact that when he was 18 he made a plan for four years knowing he only had money for two. He has some planning skills to build.

NTA. Is a wedding and kids a real prospect for him at this point in his life? Sounds like he needs to help himself first. Would you be willing to help pay for therapy/medication if he is depressed?

Nta, and friend, college doesn’t make or break someone as a loser. Their own choices do.

NTA your son has shown you he us not willing to take any self responsibility if he won’t now he won’t if you pay for his education. Sone people have to learn the had way

Is he prepared to go to a state school for the last two years?

NTA. This is an easy question to answer, but has deeper problems I think. He is making heart-breaking choices to see as a parent, I imagine. I can understand why you would feel like an a-hole if you really love him unconditionally. I wonder why he acts the way he does, there is definitely more going on beneath the surface. Never compare him to his sister whether outright or hinted purposefully or not. This whole situation is really sad and heart-breaking tbh. Please don’t cut contact with him though. Call him or text him and let him know that he is welcome back if he comes back quietly and doesn’t wake you all up and also that he needs to help out and do chores. Also, it sounds like he is hanging with a bad crowd that is influencing him badly. Maybe he needs help in therapy or something or at a rehab. Sadly, he will probably reach a rock-bottom low point in his life where he has no future, friends, or hope and will probably reach out to you for help. Please don’t reject him when he does this. He seriously needs help!

My sister has received fucktonnes of money, help, board, cars, furniture, bond money, fines paid off, etc, has started but never finished at least 2 streams of study, and, at 36, still complains bitterly that she is devoid of decent family support while continuing to make demands on my single mum’s retirement funds. Mum has 5 other children and several grandchildren and we are lucky she has worked herself up to self-sufficiency for retirement, because if she hadn’t managed that we would all need to find ways to support her financially. I worry that my sister demands so much and yet still makes out that she has a horrible family. The emotional toll is worse than the financial toll and the financial risk ultimately falls collectively to my aging mum and the other siblings. I have also given my sister thousands of dollars in ‘loans’ and help over the years and have been disowned on multiple occasions when I haven’t come through with more.

(To be honest, estrangement from her is like a massive relief that comes about periodically, but I am always left with a mental replay lasting months and years of all the stress, hurt and anxiety incurred during periods of contact. She can be extremely difficult to say no to because her pleas and reactions are so intense, and there is this feeling of chasing the dragon for the reward of her happiness and wellbeing. She can be very difficult to be around because she is emotionally volatile and verbally abusive to the extreme. I have had actual strangers comment on it when they figure out they know my family by mutual acquaintance, and near strangers reach out to me for advice on how to deal with her abusive text messages that amount to harassment. I have never known what to say because I don’t know how to deal with it myself and I know how mentally injurious these types of interactions can be.)

I would say it’s probably best to cut this type of person off financially early on because the entitled, manipulative and ungrateful attitude can prevail despite great effort, sacrifice and generosity, and that ‘child’ may still report to all who’ll listen that their life has been a hard slog and nobody was ever there for them when they needed help. They may still claim that if only xyz would come through with some basic help their whole world of rightful opportunity would fall into place. It’ll leave the family emotionally and financially drained with very little to show for it in terms of that person being up on their own two feet, satisfied with their own resourcefulness and glad for the help.
My sister posts publicly about how her family isn’t there for her, etc. Meanwhile she has for decades been essentially accessing an early supply of what little inheritance there may be to go around, prompting my mum to remortgage her house on two separate occasions. If she had been genuinely left to her own devices as she reports, she could hardly complain more than she does now. So just bite the bullet because the complaints of unfair treatment will be inevitable from this type of person, but you may end up broke and broken by making yourself an uncapped resource. If there are underlying mental health conditions, as I suspect with my sister (e.g. BPD), and which seem possible for OPs son (e.g. depression), the ‘help’ may only enable them and delay proper treatment. You probably did the right thing kicking son out, but just know that you may always be the asshole regardless of which approach you take. Good luck.

In my locality there’s a saying that roughly translates to this

If your son is capable why need to save

If your son is useless why need to save

Firstly, absolutely 100{39ca6eb452c0ce4419cd73a8f3bd18a23fe95ab4febb092bc2ab1b542eeea82f} NTA!!! My parents paid for my first degree, with the restrictions if I failed any courses I would have to pay to repeat them, so I made sure I passed them first time.

I disliked the career path of my first degree so I signed up with the University of the People. It’s online and tuition-free so you only pay 120 USD per exam when you write it. I am funding my own re-education which has enabled me to change careers and am working while I study. The University is accredited in the USA and you can even apply for transfers to other USA universities once you’ve started.
I live in South Africa and am completing this, on my own, in my thirties. It’s effing hard, but working full time and studying I still have a 4.0 GPA so it’s definitely possible. As an adult, if your son wants to study he has options, but this extended adolescence he craves cannot be tolerated. He can’t be your burden forever. Clearly, you guys gave your kids the tools they needed, evidenced by the fact that your daughter made the right choices.

Great work on setting your boundaries and sticking to them!

No OP. You are wonderful parents. You just have a son who feels so entitled about everything. You did everything you could do to help him in life. Wish i have parents like you. 😘

NTA but 50k for a degree is obscene!

NTA, but I think your son may be a bit depressed.

ESH, he does need to grow up but it sounds like he is depressed and struggling with his mental health, he needs help with that or he’s going to get a lot worse trying to live on his own.

Soft YTA.

You aren’t wrong for not contributing more money now, but your son isn’t wrong, at 18 he did not understand the financial decisions he was making or that you really wouldn’t be able to magically produce the necessary money. It is one of the central issues surrounding college loan reforms.

There were things you could have done when he was 17/18 applying to the more expensive school that you could have done to protect him from making a poor financial decision. You could have told him the fund you saved was only for in school tuition. If he still wanted to go to the out of state school he would have to take loans and pay for it entirely himself. You could have then given him the money you saved at his college graduation. That would have made it clear from the beginning there was no way you were paying the additional money and force him to decide if he really wanted to go to that school if he was totally on his own. That doesn’t get around the fact that 17/18 year olds are still commiting to a massive financial obligation, but at least he isn’t making the decision falsely believing you will pay for him because you are his parents and you take care of him.

You could have told him that he had the $53k for school. All four years, all costs. When he came to you with schools he had to have the math of what all four years would cost worked out. If the cost came to anything over $53k you would only agree to release his funds if he found scholarships and grants to make up the difference. This is my preferred method. He can still go to his school of choice. He still really knows you aren’t paying more. He doesn’t end up with loans he can’t fully comprehend at 18.

You took the approach of he is 18 and he can make his own decisions even if we don’t agree with them so we will financially fund what we think is a bad idea. You were generous to provide funds for his college education but you dropped the ball on finishing educating him about large financial investments.

I’d apologize that he is disappointed. Tell him you understand he didn’t fully appreciate the situation, despite your warnings, and admit there were other ways you could have handled it to make sure he understood he was really limited to that $53k. Then offer to help him figure out how to finance his school without loans. He can still get grants, scholarships, and work study.

As to his spending, that is a classic symptom of depression coping. From his stance his life is on hold, his parents have let him down, he can’t go back to his friends and a school where he felt like he belongs, he’s spent the last several years hearing nothing but how millennials are saddled with loans they will never get out from under. That creates anxiety that can prevent a person from taking any action. He is also watching his sister succeed but doesn’t know how to do that in a way that isn’t scary. Try to get your son into therapy and try to help him see a way forward that isn’t so terrifying. Once he is with a therapist, talk to the therapist about what is a reasonable time line you can set for him to take action to move forward with his life, whatever that path may be.