The original poster (OP) and his wife have been together for seven years and married for three. Last year, the wife experienced a miscarriage, which was a difficult event that the OP supported her through extensively.
Recently, the wife asked to take a French coworker out to dinner at a French restaurant, which made the OP uncomfortable because he felt dinner was too intimate compared to breakfast. Despite his discomfort, the OP agreed to let her go, hoping it would help her mental state. Following the dinner, the OP admitted he was still uncomfortable and needed space, leading him to take a solo outing with his sister and nephew, which further seemed to hurt his wife. Now, the OP feels better but sees his wife is still sad, leading him to question if he was in the wrong.
Wife took co worker to dinner in an intimate setting
In the field of relational dynamics, Dr. River James is known for noting, “Trust is not the absence of insecurity; it is the commitment to manage one’s own insecurities without imposing them as restrictions on a partner’s autonomy.”
The OP’s initial discomfort regarding the dinner, particularly given the context of the previous year’s trauma, is understandable as a manifestation of lingering anxiety. However, his decision to grant permission while simultaneously feeling resentful created a difficult dynamic. When he subsequently took space from his wife, characterizing it as needing distance from *her* specifically, he effectively communicated that her presence was the source of his distress, even if his intention was only to soothe his own feelings. This withdrawal, regardless of how mentally refreshing it was for him, acted as an emotional punishment or consequence for the wife, causing her observable sadness.
A more constructive path forward would have involved open communication about the specific nature of his anxiety regarding the dinner, perhaps suggesting an alternative activity for them both later, rather than using personal withdrawal as a coping mechanism. While the OP was not entirely wrong for needing space, the manner in which he executed that need—after already feeling insecure—placed an undue emotional burden on his wife, making his apology for feeling refreshed sound hollow against the backdrop of her continued hurt.
HERE’S HOW REDDIT BLEW UP AFTER HEARING THIS – PEOPLE COULDN’T BELIEVE IT.
The central conflict revolves around the OP’s internal struggle to manage his feelings of insecurity regarding his wife’s professional social outing, and how he handled the need for personal space by creating distance from his wife without fully addressing the underlying issue.
The core question is whether the OP’s actions—agreeing to the dinner but then withdrawing emotionally and physically to cope with his resulting discomfort—were an overreaction that unfairly hurt his wife, or if he was justified in seeking necessary time away to process his unresolved feelings about the situation.
