The original poster (OP), a 29-year-old male, and his 29-year-old wife were relaxing in bed watching a movie when the wife posed a hypothetical question: if the OP could have sex with any other woman in the world, who would he pick? The OP initially refused to answer the question.
The wife insisted, stating that married couples should be able to discuss such topics and emphasized that the choice could be any celebrity, living or dead. After some pressure, the OP named Sarah Jessica Parker, which confused his wife because the choice did not resemble her features or hair color. When the wife mentioned she thought he might pick someone similar to Sophia Bush, the OP apologized, but the wife became upset and slept on the couch, leaving the OP to question if he was wrong for his answer.
AITA for my answer when my wife asked if I could have sex with any other women, who would I pick ?
As renowned couples therapist Esther Perel explains, “Affairs, even imagined ones, are often symptoms of a deeper dissatisfaction, a yearning for something that is missing in the primary relationship.”
This scenario illustrates a common pitfall in relationships: the introduction of ‘hypothetical fidelity’ tests. The OP’s reluctance to answer stems from recognizing that any response, even an honest one, risks causing pain, while the wife’s insistence stems from a desire for validation that she is the ultimate, irreplaceable fantasy choice. When a partner insists on an answer to a ‘who would you leave me for’ question, they are often not seeking factual information but emotional reassurance. The wife’s reaction suggested her insecurity was triggered because the OP’s fantasy choice (SJP) did not align with her projected template of what his ideal attraction should look like (i.e., someone resembling her, like Sophia Bush). This can signify a dynamic where one partner feels the need to manage the other’s internal thoughts to feel secure.
The OP’s response to apologize was an attempt to de-escalate, but the damage was already done because the underlying security breach—the insistence on the question itself—remained unaddressed. The OP was appropriate in feeling hesitant, as forcing an answer to a fantasy question often backfires. In the future, a constructive approach involves setting a boundary around such hypotheticals. The OP could have stated, “I love you, and my attraction is real. Fantasies about celebrities don’t diminish my commitment to you, and I choose not to engage in questions that only cause unnecessary pain.” This validates the relationship while firmly declining to participate in the specific line of questioning.
REDDIT USERS WERE STUNNED – YOU WON’T BELIEVE SOME OF THESE REACTIONS.
The poster is in a situation where his attempt to navigate a difficult hypothetical question resulted in his wife’s significant emotional distress and a current rift in their relationship. The central conflict lies between the OP’s belief that such hypothetical questions about attraction to others are inappropriate in a committed relationship and his wife’s expectation that complete openness, even about fantasy choices, is necessary for trust.
The core issue for debate is whether a partner has the right to demand an answer to a highly speculative question about idealized sexual preference, and whether the OP’s choice, or his reluctance to choose someone resembling his wife, justifies the subsequent negative reaction and withdrawal of affection.
