The original poster (OP), a 54-year-old male, describes his marriage of 32 years to his wife, also 54. Early this year, his wife began experiencing menopause, during which she expressed feelings of being unattractive and stated she did not want to have sexual relations.
The OP was supportive during this period until his wife recently expressed a desire to resume sexual activity. However, the OP discovered a condom wrapper, leading him to investigate his wife’s social media, where he uncovered evidence of an affair with a 35-year-old family friend named Zachary. Upon returning from a business trip, the OP confronted his wife, who was sick with the flu, packed his belongings, and left the home, leading to his current dilemma about whether he was wrong to leave her while she was ill.
AITA for refusing to take care of my wife since she caught the flu from having sex with her affair partner ?
As renowned relationship expert Dr. John Gottman explains, “The most successful marriages are those in which both partners are committed to the process of repair after a conflict or breach of trust.”
The situation involves significant breaches of trust and poorly handled conflict escalation. The OP’s decision to snoop on his wife’s social media, while motivated by suspicion after finding the condom wrapper, represents a violation of privacy. However, the wife’s decision to engage in an affair, especially with a younger family friend, severely undermined the marital foundation, particularly after the OP offered support during her difficult menopausal transition. Her subsequent explanation that menopause made her ‘crazy’ attempts to externalize responsibility for her actions, rather than owning the choice to cheat.
The OP’s reaction—leaving immediately while she was sick—is an understandable emotional response to betrayal, but it complicates the necessary process of repair. While he is not ‘the asshole’ for reacting to infidelity, abandoning a spouse, even one who betrayed him, during an active illness raises ethical questions about the standard of care expected in a marriage. A more constructive path would have been to leave temporarily for space, but to ensure a responsible third party (like an adult child or friend) was aware of her condition, or to make necessary arrangements for her care before physically departing. The immediate focus should now shift to establishing firm boundaries regarding the affair and deciding if professional couples counseling is viable once both parties have stabilized.
THE COMMENTS SECTION WENT WILD – REDDIT HAD *A LOT* TO SAY ABOUT THIS ONE.
The original poster is currently in a position where his established trust has been severely broken by his wife’s infidelity, leading him to leave while she was physically unwell. His actions stem from the discovery of the affair, which directly contradicts the intimacy and commitment expected in a long-term marriage, despite his prior patience during her menopause-related difficulties.
The central conflict is whether the OP’s need to protect himself from the betrayal justifies abandoning his wife during a period of recognized illness, even if she claims she cannot contact other family members. Readers must consider if the marriage vows and basic human care outweigh the justified anger over infidelity.
