The person writing is a new mother whose three-month-old son was recently admitted to the hospital with pneumonia, which the baby caught after visiting the writer’s parents. The writer and her son had been staying at her fiancé’s home since the birth, relying on his mother for help, who was recently unavailable.
Exhausted from exclusively breastfeeding and lack of sleep, the writer arranged a short stay with her own parents, who are very involved grandparents and help watch the baby so she can rest. Unfortunately, one of her parents caught the flu and passed it to the baby, leading to the hospitalization. Now that the baby requires IV antibiotics, the writer is facing a dilemma regarding her fiancé’s reaction and lack of support.
WIBTAH if I break up with my fiancé after he said he won’t take care of me and our 3 mo old son while admitted at the hospital?
As relationship therapist Dr. John Gottman states, “The single most important thing for a long-lasting relationship is to keep building a reservoir of positive feelings for each other.”
This situation highlights a severe breakdown in partnership and emotional support during a crisis. The fiancé’s behavior—blaming the writer immediately after a distressing medical event (failed IV insertion) and refusing to take leave—suggests a poor coping mechanism rooted in stress, defensiveness, or a lack of shared responsibility. Shifting blame, especially when the writer is the primary caregiver experiencing physical strain, is emotionally damaging and erodes trust. His unwillingness to share the burden of hospital care, despite having available leave, demonstrates a failure to prioritize the immediate needs of his nuclear family unit (mother and child).
The writer’s impulse to threaten separation is a natural response to feeling abandoned and unsupported during extreme vulnerability. While the immediate need is for support, the long-term concern about future conflicts is valid. The constructive recommendation is for the writer to clearly communicate her needs without ultimatums first, establishing that mutual support during crises is non-negotiable. If the fiancé cannot move past blame and offer immediate, genuine support, the writer must seriously evaluate whether his actions align with the partnership she requires for raising children.
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The original poster is currently in a highly stressful situation, caring for a sick, hospitalized infant while dealing with the emotional fallout from her fiancé’s response. He has blamed her for the illness, refused to take necessary time off work to support them at the hospital, and is offering minimal help begrudgingly, leading the writer to question the long-term viability of their relationship.
The core conflict centers on whether the fiancé should prioritize supporting his partner and child during a medical crisis, even if he feels the cause was due to the partner’s family, versus insisting on maintaining work obligations and shifting responsibility for care onto the writer’s family. Should the fiancé’s refusal to step up during this critical time be grounds for ending the engagement?
