The original poster (OP) describes a long history of severe mistreatment by an older brother, who blamed the OP for their father leaving, insulted them constantly, and encouraged bullying. During this difficult time, the OP found significant support in their best friend, Sammy, and her family, who treated the OP like their own.
The relationship fractured when Sammy started dating the brother at age 16, which the OP viewed as a profound betrayal, especially given the brother’s known harmful behavior. Although the OP pulled away from Sammy’s family to avoid Sammy, they recently received news that the brother hospitalized Sammy, leading to renewed attempts by Sammy and her family to reach out, which the OP has consistently rejected, leaving the OP questioning their harsh response.
AITA for not supporting my ex best friend after my brother put her in the hospital?
As family psychologist Dr. Harriet Lerner states, “Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself, not a gift you give to the other person.” This perspective is crucial when analyzing the OP’s decision to cut contact with Sammy, especially following the hospitalization caused by the brother.
The dynamic here involves deeply rooted trauma and broken trust. The brother’s lifelong abuse established a foundation of survival where the OP learned to fiercely protect themselves. Sammy’s decision to date the brother was perceived not just as a romantic choice, but as a direct violation of the sanctuary the OP had found with her family. For Sammy to now seek support from the OP, using their past support as leverage, can trigger feelings of re-victimization. The OP is not obligated to manage the consequences of choices made by others, even those who were once close allies. The current refusal to engage is a strong demonstration of setting necessary boundaries to maintain emotional safety.
The OP’s actions in blocking communication are appropriate for self-preservation given the history. A constructive approach moving forward, should the OP choose to re-engage in the future, would be to define clear, non-negotiable terms for any interaction, focusing strictly on necessary logistics rather than emotional entanglement. The focus must remain on the OP’s healing, not on repairing the strained relationship with Sammy.
THE COMMENTS SECTION WENT WILD – REDDIT HAD *A LOT* TO SAY ABOUT THIS ONE.
The OP is currently holding firm to the decision not to support their former best friend, Sammy, despite Sammy now being a victim of the same person who tormented the OP for years. The central conflict lies between the OP’s justifiable anger over years of abuse and the perceived moral obligation to support someone who once provided crucial refuge, even after a significant betrayal.
Should the OP offer any form of support or forgiveness to Sammy now that she is suffering at the hands of the brother, or is the betrayal too severe to warrant any level of reconciliation, especially considering the brother’s documented history of violence?
