A husband (61M) and his wife (56F) have been in a marriage without sexual relations for the past decade. For most of this time, the wife stated she had no interest in sex, although she occasionally provided oral sex.
Recently, the husband developed erectile dysfunction (ED) and explicitly requested that his wife stop asking for any form of sexual intimacy. However, the wife has now started frequently initiating sexual requests, leading the husband to suspect this is only an attempt to shift blame for the ongoing lack of sex. Given his resentment over past lost time and his current lack of desire, the husband is questioning whether he is wrong for not pursuing treatment for his ED.
AITAH for rebuffing my wife’s sexual advances after she decided we were having a sexless marriage for over 10 years?
As renowned marriage and family therapist Dr. David Schnarch states, “The critical issue is not how much sex you are having, but how you are relating to each other.” This situation highlights a critical breakdown in relational dynamics that extends far beyond the physical act of sex.
The core issue here appears to be one of timing, authenticity, and unresolved resentment. The OP’s anger stems from a significant emotional investment lost during the ten years his wife allegedly lacked libido, making her sudden interest—coinciding with his ED—feel manipulative rather than genuine. This creates a power struggle: the wife may feel rejected or invalidated by the OP’s decision to stop treatment, while the OP feels that he is being forced back into a dynamic he associates with past emotional pain. The refusal to seek treatment is likely a defensive mechanism protecting him from further emotional disappointment and asserting control over a relationship aspect where he previously felt powerless.
From a professional standpoint, the OP’s emotional state is understandable given the long history of dissatisfaction. However, refusing treatment solely as a reaction to the wife’s perceived timing is unlikely to resolve the underlying resentment. A more constructive path involves direct, non-sexual communication about the decade of lost intimacy and the current distrust. If the couple wishes to move forward, whether sexually or just relationally, both parties must address the deep-seated emotional breaches before addressing physical performance or desire.
REDDIT USERS WERE STUNNED – YOU WON’T BELIEVE SOME OF THESE REACTIONS.
The original poster (OP) is experiencing deep resentment rooted in ten years of a sexless marriage, which is now complicated by his new ED diagnosis and his wife’s sudden change in behavior regarding sexual initiation.
The central conflict lies between the OP’s desire to close the door on sexual intimacy due to past hurt and present apathy, versus his wife’s apparent renewed interest, which he views with suspicion. Is the OP justified in refusing ED treatment when he is emotionally done with sexual relations, or is he obligated to explore treatment options for the sake of the marriage?
