Growing up, they were forced to mature beyond their years, shouldering the weight of raising their younger siblings while their mother retreated into sickness and neglect. The golden twins depended on them for every meal, every school day, and every moment their mother couldn’t or wouldn’t provide, turning a childhood into a relentless battle for survival and responsibility.
Now, at 19, the cycle threatens to tighten its grip with the news of a new pregnancy from a fractured relationship, pushing them closer to breaking free. Torn between loyalty and self-preservation, they stand at a crossroads—wrestling with guilt and the desperate need to escape a life overshadowed by abuse and unmet sacrifice.
WIBTA if I moved out because my mum is pregnant?
As renowned researcher Dr. Brené Brown explains, “Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.” This situation highlights a severe, long-term breach of healthy boundaries, where the OP’s identity has been conflated with that of a primary caregiver since childhood due to the mother’s manipulative or neglectful behavior, which is consistent with dynamics seen in households with narcissistic parents.
The OP’s actions—planning migration and considering moving out to avoid raising another child—are a predictable and psychologically necessary response to early life trauma where their childhood needs were overridden by adult responsibilities. Their motivation is self-preservation and establishing autonomy after years of emotional labor and neglect, especially when the mother prioritizes new relationships over existing family stability (evidenced by her history of abandoning care for existing grandchildren). The mother’s pattern suggests that any responsibility placed on the OP will likely be involuntary and exploitative, not mutually agreed upon.
The OP is absolutely appropriate in prioritizing their mental health and established plans for escape. A constructive recommendation for handling similar future conflicts would be to maintain firm, clear communication regarding their non-negotiable boundaries (i.e., “I am moving abroad and will not be available for full-time caregiving”) and to engage in trauma-informed therapy to process the ingrained sense of obligation before making any final decisions about their migration timeline.
HERE’S HOW REDDIT BLEW UP AFTER HEARING THIS – PEOPLE COULDN’T BELIEVE IT.
The Original Poster (OP) is facing a significant moral dilemma rooted in past trauma, where they feel compelled to avoid repeating a pattern of caregiving that defined their childhood. The central conflict lies between the OP’s strong, understandable desire to secure their own future and escape a history of parental neglect and responsibility, versus the potential expectation from their mother or family structure that they will step up to care for a new, unexpected child.
Given the history of being forced into a parental role, is the OP justified in prioritizing their own migration plans and moving out to completely avoid involvement with a new sibling, or does the unexpected pregnancy create a renewed ethical obligation to a vulnerable new family member, even when considering their own long-term well-being?
