My mom died when I was a baby, and my dad didn’t really step up. Luckily, my maternal grandparents took care of me — they helped raise me, and when I started school, I spent most days and evenings at their house. As I got older, I spent more and more time with them. I technically lived with my dad, but he wasn’t a very good dad and never really tried.
Without my grandparents, I’m not sure where I’d be — probably neglected or in foster care. I don’t have much relationship with my dad’s family either. Most of my free time when I’m not with friends is at my grandparents’ house. I eat dinner there on weekdays, lunch and dinner on weekends, spend holidays there, and sometimes even stay the night.
We’ve talked about me moving all my stuff over, but we didn’t want to cause trouble in case my dad thought about child support. My dad started dating someone about 3 or 4 years ago. I didn’t pay much attention. She moved in with him in May, and they got married in September. She has kids, but I don’t know much about them.
She’s tried to spend time with me and invited me to hang out, but I always decline and go to my grandparents. My dad joins them for “family time.” Over Christmas, I had a three-day sleepover at my grandparents’. Before I left, my dad’s wife asked me to stay with the family for Christmas. I told her I was going to be with my family.
She said she and her kids wanted to get to know me and be included, but I told her I wasn’t interested and that she should’ve realized that when she was dating my dad and I was never involved. She said we could still build something great, and I said no.
When I returned from my grandparents, she was clearly annoyed but gave me space. Some of her family came over for dinner, and I went to my grandparents again. Afterwards, she told me I could try to spend time with them and make room. She said it made her and her kids feel bad that I wouldn’t change even a little to make this work.
She said all they wanted was to be a family and acknowledged my dad hasn’t been the greatest to me, but I could have her and her kids. She said she saw I didn’t want it but wanted me to know none of it was their fault and that the least I could do was give them some time.
AITA?
Here’s the comments of Reddit users:
Last_Box_1265 said: Where is your dad in all of this? Sounds like she’s wanting a family with you but why? Where is he? Family starts with him and I’m assuming based on his previous behaviours that that ship has sailed? I would be continuing to do what you’re doing – you don’t owe anything to her or her kids or your dad – but your grandparents sounds like gems and I’d be making the most of all the time you have with them as (I’m not sure of their ages) mine were all gone by the time I was 21. NTA.
gringaellie said: Start moving stuff out of the house to your grandparents’ place. Important stuff too like social security card, birth certificate, any other certificates you have, medical records etc. Chances are you could end up staying with your grandparents now and your dad would no longer care.
agnesperditanitt said: NTA. Imagine dating a guy who’s a single dad and never meeting his child in the 4 years of dating, then even marrying this walking, breathing deadbeat and then expecting this abandoned child to play family with you and your children. And this guy, this “father”, isn’t even part of the discussion. Does he even remember that he has a child? The delusion is strong in this woman.
Frankifile said: The woman knows she married a s**t dad. Why she’s expecting you to jump at the chance of playing happy families with her (a complete stranger to you) makes no sense. How old are her children? Are they of an age that need babysitting?
Swiss_Miss_77 said: NTA. Time to move that stuff you have been waiting on…you are 18 in less than a year, just finish it off, move in with Grandma and Grandpa, solves the wanna be stepmom issue easily. No judge is gonna make you go back. Heck, would be a miracle if it even makes it before a judge, assuming your dad even cares to fight it. Wait til she and your dad and the kids are out of the house, and then just move out. Get a crew of your friends and go for it in one shot. Remove anything super important on the DL immediately.
imachillin said: NTA and this woman is as much a walking red flag as your “dad”. She married him without ever meeting you? What in the actual hell? Yeah this lady is a little crazy and her poor kids are taking her side because they don’t know any better. True your past situation isn’t their fault but that doesn’t mean you owe them anything. You don’t seem resentful which amazes me but that’s good on you! I’d say go live with grandparents but I agree rocking that boat when your so close to 18 isn’t worth the drama. Just keep being civil and you’ll be out of there soon enough. Good luck and NTA. Happy New Year!!!
DivineTarot said: She said all they wanted was for us to be a family and she knows my dad hasn’t been the greatest to me but I could have her and her kids. She said she saw from my face I didn’t want it but wanted me to know none of it was their fault and the least I could do was give them some time.. Guilt trip. A refusal to bond is not a punishment to the individual. She hasn’t done anything wrong, but she isn’t entitled to your presence either just because she married your dad. You are basically months from adulthood, you’ve had to more or less persist in spite of your father being trash, and the way she glosses over the elephant in this particular room is kinda telling. She’s taking this all more personally than she really has any justification to. NTA.
LegitimateMove7645 said: NTAH. She’s looking for future childcare disguised as bonding.
U_Wont_Remember_Me said: NTA. Your father’s negligence and your adaption to his negligence means that you see your grandparents as your parents. They took care of you, they listened to you, they raised you. Your father didn’t. Now he has a fiancé that wants to please your father by making happy family. So your father is getting her to do the parenting because he’s either incapable or disinterested. Probably believing that it’s women’s work to raise children. So his fiancé is supposed to raise you while he still doesn’t? I feel sorry for his fiancé because at least she’s trying. Thing is your father has put her in the middle of a situation he created and refuses to address.
OkLocksmith2064 said: NTA. You’re deeply hurt and I cannot understand a woman who dates a dad like yours. She’s a single mom and wants a provider, I get that. But … She’s as much an AH as your dad. That she approached you and not your dad, that she wanted to talk and not your dad… That would hurt me all over again. I recommend therapy for you, if it’s affordable. And move in with your grandparents so your new stepmom and step siblings can play happy family with your dad without you interfering.. Cut ties.
