The story involves a 20-year-old woman (OP) who is engaged to her 26-year-old fiancé. They have maintained a commitment to abstain from sexual activity until marriage, a boundary the fiancé had previously supported.
The conflict arose when the fiancé initiated unwanted physical advances and then aggressively pressured the OP to perform an act she refused, physically restraining her and causing her physical pain until she complied. The immediate aftermath involved a minimal apology focused only on her physical injury, leading the OP to feel violated, scared, and confused about her situation and her fiancé’s sudden change in behavior.
I feel violated and confused by what my fiancé did to me. WIBTAH if I told my parents?
In the field of interpersonal dynamics, Dr. Kendall Howard is known for noting, “True intimacy is built not on shared physical acts, but on demonstrated, consistent respect for articulated boundaries, especially during moments of high emotional pressure.”
The situation described involves a severe violation of bodily autonomy and trust. The fiancé’s actions—ignoring explicit refusal, escalating physical force, blocking an exit, and applying emotional pressure regarding their shared commitment—are classic indicators of coercive control, regardless of prior consent history or the specific nature of the requested act. The OP explicitly stated ‘no’ multiple times, and this refusal was met with physical intimidation and assault. His subsequent apology, which focused narrowly on the physical injury (knees) rather than the trauma of the non-consensual act, suggests a lack of accountability for the core transgression.
The OP’s conflicting emotions—feeling violated yet ashamed due to her commitment to abstinence—are a common reaction when abuse occurs within a framework of strong moral expectations. The fiancé weaponized their shared commitment by implying that admitting the assault would discredit her adherence to waiting for marriage. Professionally, the path forward must prioritize the OP’s safety and psychological well-being over preserving the relationship as it currently stands. Disclosure to a trusted support system, such as her mother, is a critical step toward breaking isolation and assessing the reality of the situation outside the fiancé’s controlling narrative.
REDDIT USERS WERE STUNNED – YOU WON’T BELIEVE SOME OF THESE REACTIONS.
The OP is currently in a state of emotional distress, feeling violated by an act that occurred while she was physically overpowered by her fiancé. Her core conflict centers on reconciling this abusive event with her previous positive view of him and the religious/personal commitment they share, which makes her feel responsible for the non-consensual act.
The central question for debate is whether the OP should prioritize maintaining the secret to uphold her commitment and relationship stability, or if her immediate need for support and safety outweighs the need for secrecy regarding this severe breach of trust and physical boundary. Should she disclose the assault to her mother or seek help elsewhere?
