The user, a 29-year-old woman, shared that she and her 28-year-old fiancé became engaged three months prior. This past weekend, the fiancé initiated a serious discussion about their future sexual relationship.
He expressed his concern about potentially facing a ‘dead bedroom’ situation later in marriage, citing stories he has read. He explicitly stated that if he feels sexually neglected by the user, he would likely seek sexual relations with other women, though he promised not to cheat if she were ill. Following this declaration, the user was very upset, left the meeting, and is now reconsidering the engagement.
AITAH for reconsidering my engagement after he told me he will cheat on me if I don’t have sex with him?
In the field of relationship dynamics, Dr. Blake Henderson is known for noting, “Premarital honesty about boundaries is crucial, but when honesty crosses into conditional threat, it signals a profound misalignment of core values regarding commitment.”
The fiancé’s behavior is an attempt at extreme preemptive boundary setting, using fear of infidelity as leverage to secure future sexual access. While he claims to value her feelings by allowing her to make the final decision, the initial statement places the burden of his potential future actions entirely on the user’s ability to maintain a certain sexual frequency. His acknowledgment that his comments might make her feel unsafe suggests he understands the severity of his statement, yet he felt compelled to issue the threat anyway. This indicates a prioritization of his sexual needs over the unconditional commitment generally expected in an engagement.
The external feedback the user received is unhelpful; her mother is minimizing a serious red flag, and her friends are normalizing infidelity as an inevitable outcome. Given the fiancé has offered no past reasons for distrust, the current statement itself serves as the first major reason for doubt. A healthy partnership requires mutual commitment to resolving sexual needs within the marriage. Proceeding requires the user to accept that her partner has already established a clear path toward breaking the marital contract should his needs not be met to his satisfaction.
AFTER THIS STORY DROPPED, REDDIT WENT INTO MELTDOWN MODE – CHECK OUT WHAT PEOPLE SAID.
The user is currently in a state of confusion and doubt. While her fiancé has provided no prior evidence of poor character and is currently being supportive of her need to process his ultimatum, the core conflict lies between his stated preemptive condition for infidelity and the user’s long-term commitment to the relationship.
The situation forces a decision: should the user accept this ultimatum, believing her fiancé’s honesty about his potential needs justifies the risk, or should she view this declaration as a fundamental breach of trust that makes proceeding with the marriage impossible, despite external pressures?
