The user (27M) and his girlfriend (26F) have been in a relationship for nearly five years. Early in the relationship, the user assumed that intimacy would develop as they spent time together, but this has not happened.
The user has repeatedly tried to discuss the lack of sexual intimacy, but these conversations usually result in the girlfriend becoming upset, crying, and accusing him of constantly bringing it up. She previously mentioned having vaginismus and was given tools for exercises, but has not used them. The user is now unsure how to proceed given the length of time passed and the differing expectations regarding their future.
My girlfriend and I have never have sex, and it’s been almost five years. Am I the asshole?
According to Dr. Kendall Henderson, a specialist in relationship dynamics, “When fundamental needs diverge significantly and remain unaddressed over long periods, the stability of the partnership is inherently threatened, regardless of emotional connection.”
The situation presents a classic conflict between emotional commitment and physical/sexual compatibility. The girlfriend’s reaction—crying, defensiveness, and accusations of ‘always’ bringing it up—suggests deep-seated insecurity, fear, or avoidance regarding the issue, which stops productive dialogue. While her initial mention of vaginismus provided a potential medical explanation, the failure to engage with prescribed treatment tools indicates a barrier to resolution, whether physical or psychological.
The user’s attempts to address the issue, while necessary, have become cyclical and likely unproductive due to the emotional fallout. His actions in suggesting medical checks (hormones) and waiting patiently show commitment, but his current dilemma—the engagement pressure coinciding with a sexless reality—forces a critical boundary decision. The path forward likely requires couples counseling focused specifically on sexual health and communication, rather than continued individual discussions that result in blame or withdrawal, to determine if a path toward mutual satisfaction exists.
REDDIT USERS WERE STUNNED – YOU WON’T BELIEVE SOME OF THESE REACTIONS.
The original poster is facing a conflict between his deep emotional attachment to his partner and his unmet fundamental need for sexual intimacy over a significant period. His feelings of resentment stem from waiting five years for a change that has not materialized, clashing with the girlfriend’s apparent lack of desire and emotional response when the topic is raised.
The central question is whether the user is wrong for building resentment while expecting his partner to change over five years, especially as she now pushes for engagement. Should he stay in a relationship that meets all needs except sexual intimacy, or should he prioritize his sexual needs and potentially end a relationship he otherwise values?
