The original poster (OP), a 45-year-old man, is currently married to his second wife, aged 29. This marriage took place a few years after his divorce from his first wife, aged 47. The OP notes a difference in physical appearance between the two women, stating he is thin while his current wife is heavier, and his ex-wife is heavier than both of them, though he personally prefers a partner to be on the heavier side.
The conflict arose because the OP’s current wife has repeatedly called the ex-wife “fat” in a negative way. When the OP asked his wife to stop this body shaming, she reacted by accusing him of still being in love with his ex-wife, leading the OP to question if his insistence on protecting his ex from insults while affirming his love for his current wife makes him the asshole.
AITA for asking my current wife to stop body shaming my ex-wife ?
As renowned researcher Dr. Brené Brown explains, “Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.” In this situation, the OP is attempting to set a boundary regarding acceptable communication—specifically, prohibiting derogatory language directed at a third party (the ex-wife). However, the current wife is interpreting this boundary not as a rule about communication, but as a measure of the OP’s loyalty and emotional availability.
The OP’s actions are rooted in the need to maintain civility and respect for the co-parent of his children, which is a legitimate need, especially in blended family dynamics. His preference for his ex-wife’s appearance, while perhaps irrelevant to the current discussion, may signal to his current wife that he compares the two women, fueling her insecurity. Her accusation that he still loves his ex is a common defensive reaction when a partner enforces a limit that feels like a rejection or a challenge to their primary status.
The OP’s initial action—asking for the name-calling to stop—was appropriate as it set a standard for respectful discourse. However, his handling of the ensuing accusation lacked clarity. A constructive recommendation would be for the OP to validate his wife’s underlying insecurity first (e.g., “I understand why you might feel insecure when I bring this up, but my love for you is secure. My request is purely about maintaining respect for the mother of my children, not about my feelings for her.”) This separates the boundary (no insulting) from the alleged infidelity (still loving the ex).
REDDIT USERS WERE STUNNED – YOU WON’T BELIEVE SOME OF THESE REACTIONS.
The central conflict revolves around the OP’s desire to maintain respect for his ex-wife, who is the mother of his children, while simultaneously reassuring his current wife of his love and commitment. The OP feels caught between defending a non-present party from insults and managing his current wife’s insecurity, which manifests as an accusation that defending the ex implies lingering romantic feelings.
The core question is whether the OP was wrong (an asshole) for asking his current wife to stop insulting his ex-wife, despite the current wife interpreting this request as evidence of unresolved feelings for the ex. Should the OP prioritize protecting the ex from derogatory language, or should he have focused solely on validating his current wife’s feelings and ignoring the insults directed externally?
