A few years ago, the original poster’s (OP) wife reported contracting HPV from kissing another man during a theater performance, as kissing was part of the show. She explained that the HPV then migrated to her genital area, causing occasional outbreaks.
The wife began taking Valtrex for several weeks, but the bumps on her vagina did not clear up. A subsequent doctor visit suggested a different viral or skin infection, leading to a prescription for a steroid cream. The OP has since stopped wanting to have sex with her until the issue resolves, leading to conflict, and now questions whether he should ever want to resume intimacy, especially since his own STD tests have consistently been negative.
AITA for not wanting to have sex with my wife
As renowned couples therapist and researcher Dr. John Gottman explains, “Communication is the lifeblood of any relationship, and when it breaks down, everything else starts to suffer.”
This situation highlights a severe breakdown in trust rooted in a past disclosure about sexual health and subsequent inconsistent medical findings. The OP’s hesitation is understandable; the initial narrative (HPV from a kiss migrating genitally, followed by inconsistent diagnoses and treatments) creates cognitive dissonance, leading to suspicion about the origin or current status of the infection. The OP is experiencing significant anxiety regarding fidelity and personal health safety, which directly impacts intimacy. The wife’s reaction—being ‘pissed’—suggests she perceives the OP’s refusal as a rejection of her, rather than a reaction to perceived risk or lack of transparency. This dynamic often escalates because neither party is fully validating the other’s emotional reality.
The OP’s action of refusing sex is an understandable, albeit passive, boundary setting based on fear. However, refusing intimacy indefinitely without resolving the underlying communication gap about the health facts is detrimental. A constructive approach would be to schedule a calm, non-accusatory discussion focused on obtaining clarity from the wife about all medical records, or agreeing to attend a joint appointment with a specialist to receive unified, professional reassurance or explanation for the current symptoms. Prioritizing transparent, shared fact-finding over silent withdrawal is crucial for rebuilding the necessary trust for physical intimacy.
REDDIT USERS WERE STUNNED – YOU WON’T BELIEVE SOME OF THESE REACTIONS.
The OP is currently feeling distrustful and hesitant about resuming sexual intimacy with his wife due to her recurring physical symptoms and the confusing medical explanations provided. The central conflict lies between the OP’s need for perceived sexual safety and honesty, and his wife’s apparent frustration over his withdrawal of intimacy.
Is the OP wrong for refusing sexual contact until his deep-seated concerns about his wife’s health status and previous explanations are fully resolved, or does this hesitation demonstrate an unwillingness to support his partner through a health issue?
