The original poster (OP), a 35-year-old woman, had a baby with her 33-year-old husband three years ago. Following the birth of their child, the OP did not return to her previous physical shape and has actually gained more weight since giving birth.
In March, the husband asked the OP to lose weight, which resulted in the OP withholding intimacy. Although she states this is not intended as punishment, she feels too unattractive to be intimate. The husband has since been apologizing repeatedly, leading the OP to question if her feelings are simply irritation and whether her husband only stays with her because she is the mother of his child.
AITA for refusing to have sex with my husband after he asked me to lose weight ?
As relationship expert Dr. Sue Johnson, founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), explains, “Attachment bonds are created and sustained by the dance of emotional connection.” In this scenario, the husband’s critique acted as a severe emotional threat to the OP’s attachment bond and self-worth, causing her to defensively shut down intimacy.
The husband’s initial request, regardless of intent, directly targeted the OP’s body image following childbirth, a time when vulnerability is high. This created a dynamic where the OP feels valued conditionally—as a mother, but not as an attractive partner. Her withdrawal of sex is a powerful, albeit maladaptive, communication that her emotional needs are not being met and that she feels profoundly unseen and unappreciated for who she is now. The husband’s apologies are necessary, but they must address the underlying feeling of rejection caused by his initial statement, not just the resulting lack of sex.
The OP’s action of withholding intimacy is understandable as an emotional self-preservation tactic, but it risks creating a negative feedback loop where both partners feel rejected. A constructive recommendation would be for the couple to engage in direct, non-defensive communication. The OP needs to articulate that the issue is the feeling of being unloved for her current body, and the husband needs to validate that feeling while clearly reaffirming his commitment to her independent of her appearance.
THIS STORY SHOOK THE INTERNET – AND REDDITORS DIDN’T HOLD BACK.
The central conflict involves the OP’s deep feelings of unattractiveness and hurt following her husband’s request regarding her weight, leading her to withdraw sexually. This withdrawal is a reaction to feeling devalued, even as her husband attempts to apologize and reconcile.
The core question for debate is whether the OP’s reaction of withholding intimacy is a justifiable defense mechanism against feeling objectified, or if it escalates the situation unfairly, given the husband’s current efforts to apologize.
