The original poster (OP), a 20-year-old female, recounts an event following a night out with her boyfriend. After being driven home late from a bar while feeling tired and dizzy, she has a significant memory gap regarding the events that occurred once they arrived home.
The OP recalls telling her boyfriend no when he suggested trying anal sex, and only wanting to cuddle. However, she woke up the next morning feeling pain in that area and noticing physical evidence suggesting sexual activity had occurred. When confronted, the boyfriend claimed she initiated the act while semi-conscious, leading the OP to doubt the validity of the encounter and her relationship standing.
AITA if I break up with my bf after I woke up sore and I don’t really remember losing my anal virginity to him?
As renowned psychologist Dr. Emily Nagoski, who writes extensively on sexual health and desire, notes, “Consent is a continuous, enthusiastic, and freely given agreement to engage in a specific sexual activity. It can be withdrawn at any time.” This principle is central to evaluating the situation described by the OP.
The OP reported feeling extremely impaired (tired and dizzy) when the alleged sexual activity took place. Consent given while significantly impaired or under the influence of substances that cause memory loss is legally and ethically questionable, regardless of the partner’s insistence about later verbal agreement. The discrepancy between the OP’s memory of saying ‘no’ earlier and the boyfriend’s account suggests a serious breakdown in clear, ongoing communication surrounding sexual boundaries. The boyfriend’s subsequent pressure to immediately engage in intimacy again after the alleged event further compounds the issue, prioritizing his desire over the OP’s expressed need for time and space.
The OP’s actions in questioning the validity of the encounter and feeling the need for space are entirely appropriate given the circumstances involving potential non-consensual activity due to impairment. A constructive recommendation for the future is that both partners must establish clear, sober communication protocols regarding sexual exploration, ensuring that any step forward is preceded by enthusiastic, enthusiastic, and sober consent from both parties, without pressure or assumption based on past interactions.
THE COMMENTS SECTION WENT WILD – REDDIT HAD *A LOT* TO SAY ABOUT THIS ONE.
The central conflict revolves around the OP’s hazy recollection of giving consent versus her boyfriend’s firm assertion that she initiated and enjoyed the sexual act after she had previously expressed hesitation. This disparity has caused the OP significant emotional distress and a feeling of fundamental change within the relationship dynamic.
Given the ambiguity surrounding consent due to the OP’s intoxicated state and subsequent memory loss, the core question is whether the OP is justified in seeking a relationship break or ending things entirely, or if she should reconsider her feelings since the boyfriend insists the experience was mutually desired by her.
