The original poster (OP) and his partner, Adie, had previously discussed having a threesome, contingent on two clear rules: setting boundaries beforehand and excluding Adie’s friend, Kim. The OP stated he was not attracted to Kim and disliked her personality.
During a weekend where everyone was intoxicated, the topic of a threesome arose again. Despite Adie initially joking about it, the act commenced later that night, with Adie dismissing the OP’s attempt to bring up the agreed-upon boundaries by calling him a ‘pussy.’ Following the encounter, Adie became upset, accusing the OP of intentionally excluding her and mimicking their usual sex life, leading to her abruptly leaving the room, which caused the OP to stop the interaction with Kim. The situation escalated when Adie ended things, now believing the OP deliberately sought sex with Kim to ruin their intimacy, leaving the OP feeling distressed and questioning if he was at fault.
AITAH for having sex with my gf’s friend during a 3some she sprung on me?
As renowned relationship therapist Dr. Terri Cole explains, “Boundaries are not about controlling other people; they are about teaching other people how to treat you.” This situation highlights a severe failure in establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries, particularly when alcohol is involved, which lowers inhibitions and impairs judgment.
The OP established clear prerequisites for participating in the threesome, one of which was explicitly excluding Kim. When Adie dismissed these boundaries while intoxicated, she effectively coerced the OP into proceeding under false pretenses. The OP’s decision to continue, partially due to intoxication and perceived pressure (being called a ‘pussy’), resulted in a situation where he felt compelled to adhere to the immediate circumstances rather than his pre-agreed terms. Adie’s subsequent reaction, shifting blame entirely onto the OP for transgressing the boundary she herself discarded, suggests a dynamic where her immediate gratification superseded mutual respect, leading to an emotional escalation fueled by feelings of exclusion and perhaps jealousy.
The OP was placed in an unfair position where his partner rescinded established safety parameters. While intoxication complicates responsibility, his attempt to stop the encounter suggests an effort to adhere to his principles, even if he ultimately followed her directive. Moving forward, both parties must recognize that sexual agreements require sober, unambiguous consent and adherence to all stated rules. For future difficult conversations, the OP should prioritize emotional safety over immediate compliance, even if it means physically withdrawing from the situation entirely when core agreements are violated.
AFTER THIS STORY DROPPED, REDDIT WENT INTO MELTDOWN MODE – CHECK OUT WHAT PEOPLE SAID.
The central conflict revolves around the breakdown of mutually agreed-upon conditions for a sexual encounter. The OP acted under duress and intoxication, feeling pressured to proceed after boundaries were dismissed, yet he is now facing the fallout as Adie interprets his actions as a deliberate betrayal aimed at diminishing their relationship’s exclusivity.
The core question is whether the OP is responsible for the emotional damage when he participated in an event where established rules were broken by his partner, or if Adie’s subsequent reaction—ending the relationship over an event influenced by alcohol and a unilateral retraction of boundaries—is disproportionate to the situation.
