When the original poster (OP) was 12 years old, their mother began dating a man who treated the OP poorly, often being cold and making critical remarks. Despite the OP expressing discomfort, the mother consistently defended the new partner and minimized the OP’s feelings.
The situation escalated to the point where the mother sometimes neglected the OP’s needs, such as by not picking them up from school if it conflicted with her partner’s schedule, leading the OP to stay with an aunt for refuge. This continued until the OP moved in with their father at 15, after which contact significantly decreased, culminating in the mother marrying the man without inviting the OP.
AITAH for telling my mom I don’t forgive her for choosing her boyfriend over me when I was a kid?
As renowned researcher Dr. Harriet Lerner explains, “Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself, not a gift you give to the other person.” This principle is highly relevant here, as the OP is being pressured to offer forgiveness when they feel the underlying offense—the abandonment and invalidation during childhood—has not been genuinely addressed by the mother.
The mother’s reaction—crying, claiming unfairness, and stating she was ‘trying her best’—suggests a form of self-protective response often seen when parents are confronted with the long-term consequences of their choices. This behavior shifts the focus from the child’s hurt to the parent’s distress, a pattern that invalidates the OP’s lived experience. The OP’s inability to forgive stems from a lack of perceived accountability; accountability requires understanding and validating the impact of one’s actions, not simply defending the intent behind them.
The OP’s decision to withhold full reconciliation is appropriate for maintaining emotional safety, especially given the history of boundary violations. A constructive path forward would involve the OP clearly stating the required steps for true repair—which must include the mother acknowledging specific behaviors (like siding with the partner over the child) and the resulting pain—before any deeper rebuilding can occur. Forgiveness should be earned through demonstrated change, not demanded through emotional manipulation.
HERE’S HOW REDDIT BLEW UP AFTER HEARING THIS – PEOPLE COULDN’T BELIEVE IT.
The OP is currently facing pressure from their mother and some relatives to forgive past actions, which the OP feels were never truly acknowledged or taken responsibility for by the mother. The central conflict is between the OP’s need to protect themselves based on past emotional injury and the mother’s expectation of immediate reconciliation and forgiveness.
The question for consideration is whether the OP is wrong for refusing to let go of the past pain when the mother claims she was trying her best and accuses the OP of being cold, or if the OP is justified in maintaining emotional distance until genuine accountability is demonstrated.
