The original poster (OP), a 26-year-old woman, was married for four years until her divorce, which occurred after she discovered she could not have children. While she was content to remain child-free, her ex-husband strongly desired children, leading to the end of their marriage.
The OP has been dating her current boyfriend of seven months, who is described as very kind. A complication arises because the boyfriend works with the ex-husband at the same airfield location. The OP enjoys baking and often provides her boyfriend with baked goods to take to work, a practice she used to do for her ex-husband, leading to the current conflict when the ex-husband requested she stop these actions.
My boyfriend and ex husband work together, AITAH for giving my boyfriend food to take to work?
As relationship expert Dr. John Gottman notes, “Conflict avoidance often leads to the silent killer of relationships: resentment.” While this situation involves an ex-partner rather than a current one, the principle regarding unresolved tension and avoidance remains relevant to managing relationship boundaries.
The OP’s actions—baking high-quality goods that are associated with her former marriage—have inadvertently created an uncomfortable public dynamic for her ex-husband at his workplace. His request for her to stop stems from a need to regain control over his environment and mitigate the public comparisons being drawn between his life and her new relationship. However, his request trespasses into her current relationship by trying to control the generosity she shows her boyfriend. The boyfriend, by enjoying the treats and not minding the jokes, is signaling that this is not a burden for him; therefore, the ex-husband is attempting to manage a situation that is not directly his concern.
The OP’s initial feeling that the request is unfair is valid, as she is not obligated to manage her ex-husband’s social discomfort. However, given the small town and shared professional environment, a degree of strategic accommodation can reduce unnecessary drama. A constructive recommendation would be for the OP to communicate clearly with her boyfriend about the request. If the boyfriend agrees that temporarily modifying *where* the treats are taken (e.g., meeting for lunch instead of sending them to the shared worksite) would ease tension without sacrificing her generosity, that would be the most effective path forward, prioritizing the current relationship’s peace over appeasing an ex-partner.
THE COMMENTS SECTION WENT WILD – REDDIT HAD *A LOT* TO SAY ABOUT THIS ONE.
The original poster is facing a dilemma where her ex-husband has requested she cease sending baked goods to work with her new boyfriend in an effort to stop the teasing he is receiving from coworkers. The OP feels this request unfairly makes her responsible for her ex-husband’s emotional discomfort regarding her new relationship and his own dating troubles.
The central conflict is between the OP’s desire to continue an enjoyable activity (baking for her boyfriend) and her consideration for her ex-husband’s feelings and workplace discomfort. The core question is whether the OP should honor this request out of empathy, or if she is justified in continuing her actions because they do not directly involve her ex-husband.
