A 38-year-old woman and her 34-year-old husband, married for six years and together for nine, are facing significant conflict following the birth of their one-year-old son.
The husband made several harsh comments toward his wife while she was still recovering postpartum, including calling her fat and lazy despite her balancing work, childcare for five children, and recovery. The situation escalated when he gave her an ultimatum on her birthday, threatening divorce if she left the house for their daughter’s appointment, which resulted in him sleeping separately for two months. The husband then reportedly consulted an attorney and told others about the impending divorce before informing his wife, stating she was not the “prize” because of her age and children, while he was in his prime and financially stable.
My husband wanted a divorce, until he lost his job..am I the asshole to follow through with filing?
As renowned relationship expert Dr. Sue Johnson, founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), states, “Healthy relationships are built on a foundation of emotional safety and responsiveness.”
The husband’s behavior exhibits a profound lack of emotional safety and respect, particularly his cruel comments about his wife’s body postpartum and the public declaration of divorce threats before direct communication. These actions place the wife in a position where her trust is severely eroded. When he subsequently lost his job and his stance immediately softened, this reinforced a dynamic where his positive behavior seems conditional, potentially based on his perceived status or power rather than genuine commitment to the relationship’s health. The wife’s decision to proceed with separation, despite his change in tone, is a logical response to the history of severe emotional abuse and conditional engagement. She recognized that his recent compliance was likely opportunistic, not a sign of fundamental change.
From a relational perspective, trust must be rebuilt through consistent, positive actions over time, not just during times of crisis. The wife acted appropriately by prioritizing her own stability and integrity, as she was following through on the reality established by his behavior, not his temporary words. For future situations involving such a stark power imbalance or emotional volatility, it is recommended that major decisions regarding separation or reconciliation occur only after establishing clear, non-negotiable terms for respectful communication and potentially engaging in joint therapy to assess the sincerity and sustainability of any proposed changes.
AFTER THIS STORY DROPPED, REDDIT WENT INTO MELTDOWN MODE – CHECK OUT WHAT PEOPLE SAID.
The original poster is facing a dilemma because her husband initiated separation proceedings, including consulting an attorney and making severe derogatory remarks, but has since softened his behavior after losing his job. She feels that his change in attitude is motivated by his current lack of employment, suggesting his previous actions were more indicative of his true feelings than his current attempts to reconcile.
The central question is whether the wife is wrong for proceeding with the separation plan he initiated, despite his subsequent job loss and attempts to salvage the marriage. Should she honor the initial threat of divorce based on his documented past behavior, or is she acting unfairly by leaving when he claims he now wants to try and make things work?
