The original poster (OP) followed advice from a previous post regarding their negative reaction to their son coming out, acknowledging that their response was driven by trauma related to the death of their gay brother.
Realizing the need for amends, the OP decided to apologize and explain the situation to their wife and son, documenting the emotional process of seeking reconciliation and professional help for their unresolved grief.
Update: AITA if I don’t tell my gay son about this part of my past?
As renowned family therapist and grief counselor Dr. David Kessler states, “Grief demands to be seen. The only way to heal from loss is to allow yourself to fully feel the pain.”
The OP’s initial reaction to their son’s coming out was a clear example of unresolved grief manifesting as avoidance and hostility toward a reality that painfully mirrored their past trauma—the loss of their brother. This demonstrates a failure to separate the son’s identity from the OP’s history of pain. By finally writing the letter and explaining the source of their reaction, the OP was performing a necessary, albeit delayed, act of emotional accountability. This action shifted the dynamic from perceived rejection to shared vulnerability, which allowed the son to respond with empathy rather than defensiveness. The son’s reaction, expressing relief that he was not hated, underscores the severe emotional distance the OP’s silence had created.
The OP’s decision to seek therapy immediately, alongside taking concrete steps toward reconciliation, is appropriate. The priority must be maintaining the current momentum of openness. The OP should focus on consistent, low-pressure engagement with their son—like the planned movie outing—while strictly adhering to their therapy commitment to process the complex emotions surrounding their brother’s death. True repair requires sustained behavioral change rooted in personal healing, not just one intense apology.
THE COMMENTS SECTION WENT WILD – REDDIT HAD *A LOT* TO SAY ABOUT THIS ONE.
The OP has taken significant, difficult steps to address their trauma and repair the damage done to their relationship with their son, acknowledging how their unresolved grief led to harmful behavior and nearly fractured their family trust.
Given the immediate positive response from the son, should the OP prioritize ongoing therapeutic support to manage their grief, or is the immediate focus now entirely on rebuilding the relationship with their son through consistent, positive actions?
