For the first time in their new home, a couple prepares to host Christmas, carrying the weight of tradition and uncertainty. Their annual gatherings always unfolded under the watchful care of the wife’s mother, shadowed by the unpredictable presence of her brother, whose psychiatric challenges brought both love and unpredictability to the festive table.
This year, the couple’s hope for a perfect celebration is wrapped in an 8-pound prime rib, a symbol of their desire to create new memories while honoring old customs. Yet beneath the surface, the true feast is not the food but the fragile hope of togetherness, where every dish and every moment holds the promise of belonging and the quiet courage to face whatever the day may bring.
AITA for not sending Christmas leftovers with my BIL for his full time care takers?
According to Dr. Harriet Lerner, a renowned psychologist specializing in family dynamics, healthy family functioning relies on clear, mutually respected boundaries. Lerner notes that ‘When one person’s needs consistently overshadow another’s, it creates an unhealthy power dynamic, often rooted in unspoken rules or inherited family scripts.’ In this scenario, the MIL is operating under an ‘unspoken rule’ inherited from previous years of hosting, assuming the tradition continues without consulting the new hosts.
The behavior displayed by the BIL, although likely tied to his disability, was enabled by the MIL, who immediately validated his expectation that he was entitled to the entirety of the hosts’ leftovers for his care staff. The OP and his wife were put in a reactive position because they were not informed of this specific expectation (feeding caretakers) beforehand. Their reaction to stop the BIL from taking the bulk of the prime rib was a necessary, albeit perhaps poorly timed, attempt to assert ownership over the resources they provided.
The subsequent action by the MIL to take the mashed potatoes and gravy without asking further demonstrates a pattern of entitlement and a lack of respect for the hosts’ efforts and property. The OP’s actions in defending their food were appropriate given the lack of communication. For future events, the couple should proactively establish a clear ‘Hosting Agreement’ with the MIL before any event, explicitly stating who is responsible for what, including any allowances for taking food home, thereby removing all ambiguity.
HERE’S HOW REDDIT BLEW UP AFTER HEARING THIS – PEOPLE COULDN’T BELIEVE IT.
MIL is TAH for not making you aware of this arrangement in advance and maybe offering to chip in to cover the extra cost since this is an expensive cut of meat. It was basically equivalent to adding two guests to dinner without telling you.
The host experienced significant stress and boundary violation when unexpected traditions regarding leftovers were enforced upon them during their first time hosting Christmas. The central conflict lies between the hosts’ reasonable expectation of enjoying their own prepared food and the in-laws’ assumption that the hosts must continue supplying meals for the brother-in-law’s caretakers, despite lacking prior communication.
Given the established pattern of the mother-in-law dictating traditions and the subsequent refusal to respect the hosts’ right to their own food, should the couple prioritize maintaining family peace by immediately caving to demands, or is setting firm, clear boundaries regarding hosting responsibilities and resource allocation the necessary step for future family events?
