Mom Tells College-Starting Daughter She Needs To Grow Up, Overlooks Possible Indicators Of Depression

A promising young woman, once a beacon of academic excellence, now drifts aimlessly through her college days, weighed down by a growing cloud of irresponsibility. The vibrant spark that once fueled her determination has dimmed, leaving her parents grappling with frustration and heartbreak as they watch their daughter slip further away from the path she once walked with such pride.

In the quiet desperation of their home, every effort to reignite her drive feels like a battle lost. She lies in bed, disconnected and withdrawn, as the looming shadow of final exams threatens to shatter the fragile remnants of her potential. Her parents’ love and patience are tested daily, caught between hope and helplessness in the face of a future that now feels uncertain.

AITA for telling my daughter that she’s not a baby and needs to grow up?

Dr. William Glasser, known for Choice Theory, emphasizes personal responsibility and the satisfaction of basic psychological needs. In this situation, the daughter, despite being a young adult, is exhibiting classic signs of learned helplessness or avoidance behavior, likely driven by overwhelming academic pressure or underlying emotional distress, which manifests as extreme irresponsibility.

The parents’ actions—confiscating the phone and attempting forceful awakening—while stemming from concern, mirror parenting styles used for young children, which often backfires with emerging adults, triggering reactance (the desire to do the opposite) and escalating defiance, as evidenced by the daughter telling them to ‘go f ourselves.’ Furthermore, the daughter secretly quitting her job indicates a significant step toward severing external motivators and increasing dependency or isolation.

The appropriate next step involves shifting from punitive control to collaborative problem-solving, possibly in conjunction with a university counselor or therapist, to address potential depression or anxiety fueling this behavior. The parents must establish firm, logical consequences tied directly to their continued financial support (e.g., ‘We will pay tuition only if you attend weekly meetings with an academic advisor’) rather than focusing on controlling daily behaviors like waking up, which are now outside their effective reach.

REDDIT USERS WERE STUNNED – YOU WON’T BELIEVE SOME OF THESE REACTIONS.

The parent expresses intense frustration and disappointment regarding their 19-year-old daughter’s severe decline in responsibility, academic performance, and engagement with household life. The central conflict lies between the parents’ clear expectations for adult accountability, especially concerning college success, and the daughter’s complete withdrawal into apathy and defiance.

Given the daughter’s current refusal to engage or respond constructively, should the parents escalate the consequences immediately, such as ending financial support for college, or should they prioritize a final, calm intervention focusing on mental health assessment before implementing strict academic or housing penalties?