He loves her soul, her laughter, her very essence—everything that makes her who she is. Yet beneath that deep emotional connection lies a painful truth: he feels no physical attraction to her. This silence between their hearts grows heavier with every unspoken word, leaving both of them wounded and confused.
Their relationship blossomed from genuine affection and admiration, but now it’s tangled in guilt and unmet desires. He battles his own shame and self-loathing, caught between wanting to honor the woman he loves and the stark reality of his feelings. In this fragile space, both their worlds tremble on the edge of heartbreak.
AITAH for not being attracted to my partner and telling her?
According to Dr. Helen Fisher, a renowned biological anthropologist specializing in the science of love and attraction, physical attraction is complex and often rooted in evolutionary biology and learned associations, but it is not entirely static. However, when attraction is severely limited by preconceived, learned ideals—as the poster suggests is linked to long-term pornography use—it indicates a potentially rigid template for visual arousal.
The core conflict here is a clash between romantic love (emotional and cognitive attachment) and limerence/sexual desire (physical arousal). The poster clearly possesses strong romantic attachment; he values her personality, supports her, and desires a future with her. However, his self-identified history of pornography addiction has likely created a desensitization or a highly specific visual schema that is preventing arousal toward his real-life partner, irrespective of her qualities. His honesty, while painful, established a clear boundary, but it simultaneously damaged the partner’s self-esteem, confirming her own insecurity about her appearance (the weight loss impact, the ostomy, alopecia).
The poster’s actions were honest, which is ethically sound in a partnership, but the delivery clearly caused harm. The most constructive path forward involves addressing the root cause: his attraction template. He should seek therapy focused on treating the behavioral addiction (pornography) and developing ‘attraction flexibility.’ This may involve consciously focusing on non-visual intimacy and challenging the internalized ‘perfection’ standard. If, after dedicated therapeutic work, physical desire remains absent, the couple must then decide if the strength of their non-physical bond can sustain a marriage where one partner’s essential physical needs are unmet.
REDDIT USERS WERE STUNNED – YOU WON’T BELIEVE SOME OF THESE REACTIONS.
You either are or you are not attracted to her. But being honest is never a good idea. They always prefer comforting lies.
Your girlfriend deserves someone who loves her with all her quirks and perks, who loves what they see instead of calling her fat, disgusting etc behind her back.
Please seek professional help because your standards don’t sound healthy
You yourself know you’re in the wrong yet you’re staying with her, hurting her even more and sorry for saying this but you’re also wasting her time. She could find someone who actually loves her for who she is
The man is caught between his deep, loving commitment to his partner and his inability to feel physical attraction toward her, causing significant internal distress and guilt over hurting her.
Given that the partner offers everything the man desires in companionship but lacks the physical appeal for him, should he prioritize his genuine, non-physical love and commitment, or is the absence of physical desire an insurmountable barrier to a fulfilling relationship for both parties?
