At 45, she stands at a crossroads where every step is shadowed by pain and uncertainty. Facing the possibility of major surgery that might save her from unbearable agony but could also steal her ability to walk, she grapples with a body betrayed by past decisions made in the name of “fixing” her childhood flat feet. The calcifications ravaging her Achilles are a cruel legacy of a surgery imposed by her mother, a choice made long ago that now threatens to unravel her very mobility.
Beneath the weight of physical torment lies a deeper wound—a complex tapestry of love, expectation, and sacrifice tangled with regret. What began as an attempt to conform, to be “normal” and “girly,” has spiraled into a battle against her own body, where every move is a reminder of a painful history she never asked for. Now, she faces the daunting unknown, holding onto the fragile hope that relief might come, even if it means walking a different path forever.
AITA: I told my mom the major surgery I’m facing at 45 is a direct result of surgery she made me get at six.
Dr. Harriet Lerner, a clinical psychologist and author of ‘Why Won’t You Apologize?’, notes that defensiveness often arises when individuals are confronted with the unintended negative outcomes of their past choices, as they struggle to reconcile their good intentions with the painful reality of the damage caused. In this case, the mother’s defensive reaction likely stems from a deep-seated guilt or fear of being blamed for her daughter’s current physical suffering. The daughter’s motivation is not to punish her mother, but to seek validation and share a devastating physical reality. By dismissing the medical connection as an attack, the mother protects her own self-image but fails to offer the emotional support her daughter desperately needs.
The daughter’s actions were entirely appropriate, both in sharing her medical history with her doctor and in discussing the diagnosis with her mother. To handle this ongoing tension, it is recommended that the daughter establish clear emotional boundaries. She should focus her conversations with her mother on her current treatment and support needs, rather than seeking validation or accountability that her mother may be emotionally unable to provide.
HERE’S HOW REDDIT BLEW UP AFTER HEARING THIS – PEOPLE COULDN’T BELIEVE IT.
Your mom was working on the advice of doctors at the time. She’s not perfect – no parent is – and the surgery would not have gone ahead if a doctor didn’t think it was called for.
>In some ways I feel like my mom wanted me to “fix” the flat feet because they did make it difficult for me to wear “girly” shoes and they didn’t look “normal” and I was a major tomboy.
Medical records often paint a basic picture, but aren’t always 100% correct.
Bringing up that your current issues are caused by the past surgery is fine; Blaming your mother for doing what she was likely told was best for you 40+ years ago? YTA. Edit: Thanks for the awards!
The daughter is experiencing deep anxiety and grief over the potential loss of her mobility, coupled with frustration regarding a childhood medical procedure she feels was unnecessary. The central conflict lies between her need to acknowledge the medical reality of her condition and her mother’s defensive reaction, which views any discussion of past choices as an unfair accusation of blame.
Should a parent be held emotionally accountable for the long-term physical consequences of a medical decision made decades ago, or must an adult child protect their parent’s feelings by remaining silent about the past?
