I (M44) have been married to my wife Cynthia (F41) for nearly 15 years. I helped raise her older children, and we have two kids of our own. She recently gave birth to our third — but I’ve refused to sign the birth certificate or be involved until I get a paternity test.
Back in 2014, our marriage nearly ended because she had an affair with her supervisor. I only found out after she was fired and the company filed legal claims against her and the other man. She admitted to a two-year-long affair, and although I was devastated, I eventually forgave her. I even had paternity tests done on our two kids at the time (they were mine), and we rebuilt our relationship. I truly thought we were stronger after that.
Now, during this most recent pregnancy, some red flags came back.
Years ago, Cynthia’s best friend Danna (F42) abruptly cut ties with her. They had been friends since childhood, and Cynthia mourned the loss for years. Danna had even blocked our entire family.
When Cynthia got pregnant again, she became deeply depressed. Danna had always been our emergency contact, so I thought maybe reconnecting them would give her some closure. I tracked Danna down and reached out.
That conversation changed everything.
Danna was furious. She accused me of being Cynthia’s “flying monkey,” said Cynthia was manipulative, selfish, and exhausting to be around. She explained she’d cut contact after Cynthia constantly took advantage of her kindness and failed to show gratitude. But what shocked me most was that Danna mentioned my best friend Gary (M48) had reached out to her on Cynthia’s behalf — in a very disturbing way.
Apparently, years ago when Danna tried to distance herself, Cynthia sent Gary to “talk her out of it.” Danna claims Gary’s messages became intense and even threatening. He hinted at using spyware on her, and she ended up filing a legal complaint. Danna provided me with court documentation and evidence. I had never heard a word about this from Gary or Cynthia.
I confronted both of them. Gary claimed he was just trying to help and downplayed everything. Cynthia said she was desperate to reconnect with Danna, but that nothing more happened.
But I can’t shake it. Gary — my best friend — risked legal trouble to do Cynthia a “favor,” and they kept it a secret from me. Danna’s words echoed in my head: that Cynthia “uses people,” that she’s a “black hole,” and that I’d be a fool to think she wasn’t hiding more.
When I asked Cynthia if anything inappropriate ever happened between her and Gary, she got angry and defensive. I tried to believe her, but then she refused to take a paternity test for the new baby. She threatened divorce instead.
So I moved out shortly before she gave birth. I told her I wouldn’t drive her to the hospital, wouldn’t be in the room, and wouldn’t sign the birth certificate unless she could prove I’m the father. I have no physical proof of an affair between her and Gary, but I can’t ignore how deep their secrecy ran — and I’m not taking chances again.
Since then, Cynthia says I’m being emotionally a**sive, especially by leaving her to give birth alone. She’s struggling postpartum and says I humiliated her. But I’ve told her: until I know this child is mine, I’m not stepping in.
I’m still fulfilling all responsibilities for our two other kids, but I won’t help her directly. I’ve suggested she go stay with relatives for extra help in the meantime. My family is split — some think I’m acting out of trauma and paranoia, others believe I’m doing the right thing.
Gary, meanwhile, has gone quiet and hasn’t offered any real explanation or remorse. Cynthia still refuses the DNA test, insisting that I’m the one destroying the marriage.
So, AITA for not being there during the birth or signing the certificate until I get proof?
Here’s what Redditors had to say:
saintandvillian said:
Even if the baby turns out to be yours, you need therapy — and a divorce. Your wife sounds like a terrible person, and Danna was absolutely right when she called you an enabler.
henchwench89 said:
NTA, but seriously, do you even want to save this marriage? Your wife clearly sucks, and the fact that your best friend committed a literal crime trying to “help” her strongly suggests something inappropriate was going on.
My advice: talk to a lawyer about both divorce and your legal options regarding the baby. You can probably get a court-ordered DNA test, but since you’re married, there’s a chance you’ll still be considered the legal father regardless of the result. Keep us updated, Mel!
mustang19671967 said:
Go see a lawyer and file for divorce — that might finally get her to tell the truth. She doesn’t respect you because she’s seen you back down before.
Even if the baby isn’t yours, you may still end up legally responsible for it. Don’t do anything without a lawyer, and I’d recommend a tough female one. This is why those of us who’ve been cheated on tell others to leave immediately.
shyfidelity said:
Your marriage is over, dude. Get a divorce.
Lotsa_catz said:
NTA. Your marriage is dead no matter what the paternity test says. She’s manipulative, dishonest, and cannot be trusted. Divorce her. And drop Gary too — he’s just as shady.
LamuneRain said:
Request a court-ordered paternity test. Once that’s done, divorce her. You can be a great father without staying with someone who lies and manipulates.
dylancentralperk said:
Start divorce proceedings. That’s the only way you’ll get out of this in one piece. A court can order the DNA test during the process. The fact that she claims a test would “ruin the marriage” tells you everything you need to know.
Salt_Finding9193 said:
Please get a divorce. This woman is toxic. Even if the child turns out to be yours, you’ll never be able to trust her again. She’s a snake.
No_Cockroach4248 said:
Your wife’s refusal to take a paternity test is a huge red flag. That baby probably isn’t yours. But even if it is, the trust is gone. Divorce her.
Janisseho said:
NTA. I’ve known people like your wife — expert manipulators. She doesn’t show one bit of remorse. She’s cheated before and now plays the victim when you ask for something completely reasonable. And Gary? Also shady. Get out of this marriage — yesterday.
