I’ve always been a good kid — good grades, home on time, helped out around the house. No major issues with my parents until this happened. When I was 20 and still living at home, I started dating someone three years older than me. My dad was totally against it, saying I shouldn’t date anyone far older than me. When I refused to break up with him, my dad gave me an ultimatum: agree or move out. I argued that my boyfriend had a job, was in college, and had plans for the future, but my dad kicked me out. My mom sided with him. At that time, my little brother was only 14.
I moved in with my boyfriend, whose family was supportive and helped me finish college. Over the years, I kept in touch with my little brother. Eventually, with his help, we got a small house — tiny, but it’s mine and I’m happy. I gave birth to a baby girl, and I told my brother he was welcome to visit. He came a few times.
Today, my brother asked when I was going to let my parents see the baby because they want to reconnect. I said never. I’m not ready to forgive them. My brother says I’m being unreasonable — that they were just strict and trying to protect me. I disagree — kicking me out over age difference was cruel. He says I should at least let mom see the baby since she didn’t want to agree with dad at the time. I pointed out that mom had the chance to stop it but didn’t, while my brother was only 15 and had no say.
He’s upset and says my parents regret their decision and just want a fresh start. He says I’m dragging this out and withholding them from their grandchild. I told him if he thinks that, he can stay out of my life too. Now he’s angry, telling me to move on and stop punishing them.
I told him they disowned me, so as far as I’m concerned, they don’t get a grandchild from a daughter who doesn’t exist to them. I don’t hate my brother and I understand where he’s coming from, but I still resent my parents deeply.
It’s not like I had my baby to spite them, but my brother thinks I’m being petty and stubborn. I want a relationship with him, but I’m not ready to forgive mom and dad. AITA?
Here’s how people reacted to the post:
Goldenmoons said: NTA. Two things — 23 isn’t far from 20. Your parents just used that as an excuse to control you. It’s manipulative and gross to give your grown daughter ultimatums over who she dates. You have every right to be angry and to decide who your child sees. Tell your brother this is your kid and your decisions need to be respected.
Edit: There’s a big difference between making decisions for a child and an adult.
rmmO035 said: NTA. If your parents want to reconcile, they should reach out themselves — not use your brother as a messenger. They owe you a massive apology. You’re not the one dying on this hill; they are. They made a huge life-altering mistake and need to take responsibility.
MyNamelsKanya said: NTA. They kicked you out and don’t even have the decency to start reconnecting themselves. They’re using your brother as a pawn because they know you still care about him.
coyoterose5 said: NTA. Kicked you out for dating someone three years older? That’s absurd. Sounds like they just wanted control and kicked you out when they couldn’t have it. They haven’t tried to make amends, and your brother’s guilt-tripping you. What have they done to deserve a second chance?
WebbieVanderquack said: NTA, but don’t alienate your brother. He’s in a tough spot trying to get everyone to get along. Whether you want to reconcile with your parents is your choice. They don’t seem sorry yet, and your brother just wants peace.
DrHeckle_MrJive said: So let me get this straight — your parents disowned you over your relationship and now want to be grandparents? NTA. Disownment goes both ways.
post_mm said: ESH except your brother. You’re the AH mostly for telling him he can leave your life too. He’s just trying to be a diplomat. You don’t have to forgive your parents, but you should apologize to your brother.
Au_Struck_Geologist said: NTA/INFO. This might be one momentous controlling move that exploded into a decade-long fallout. You never had other issues, right? If you’ve prevented communication all this time, you’ve also prevented healing. I used to hold grudges like that, but realized there are two camps — those who continuously fail you and those who made one big mistake. If your parents are the latter, maybe consider opening a bridge. If not, build the relationship with your brother but keep your parents out.
Sentahlta said: NTA. Have they ever checked on or supported you? If they can’t parent right, they don’t deserve to be grandparents. That’s an easier role, but they’ll try to exert control through your daughter.
tuna_HP said: INFO. There are gaps here. You say you always got along but then years of silence and you had a child without telling them? What happened? Usually people argue but then make up. Was your mom trying to reach out and you ignored her? Your dad might think he has a say only while paying for you — does he still? Too many unanswered questions to judge fairly. Maybe your parents reached out and you ignored them, which could make you TA.
