My wife says she has anxiety, but she hasn’t seen a doctor about it. She believes she has it under control and doesn’t need help. She says that cleaning helps her feel less anxious. But I think her constant cleaning is actually a sign of her anxiety, not a way to fix it.
She cleans all the time. I mean non-stop. Our house always smells like cleaning products.
We try to use eco-friendly cleaners, but she says some areas need strong chemicals to be “clean enough.” I’ve begged her to talk to a doctor about her anxiety, but she refuses.
We agreed to start trying for a baby after two years of marriage. Now that it’s been two years, she’s ready to start — but I’m not.
I told her she needs to see a doctor first and get her obsessive cleaning under control. I don’t think it’s safe to bring a baby into our home with all the chemical fumes. Honestly, I don’t even think it’s safe for us.
We made one compromise: no harsh chemicals in our bedroom, but everywhere else is okay for her to use whatever she wants.
Now I want to take it further. Maybe she can only use strong cleaners one day a week, and the rest of the time, just soap or vinegar and water. I also told her I won’t try for a baby until this is under control.
She’s really upset and says I gave her an ultimatum. She thinks I’m saying she’d be a bad mom.
Am I wrong for not wanting to have a baby under these conditions?
Here’s the comments of Reddit users:
Let’s see what Reddit had to say – because this story left everyone stunned.
stumpdawg said: NTA. And no one thinks about this. Being exposed to a certain level of germs is a good thing. Being raised in a house you could build space based telescopes in can lead to allergies.
workthrowaway212 said: NTA and she is right that you are giving her an ultimatum… no s**t sometimes you need one. This is not normal cleaning behavior as far as I can tell.
Seeker131313 said: NTA. Pregnant women shouldn’t be constantly breathing harsh cleaning fumes. Babies are adorable harbingers of mess and germs. How will she change a diaper, and what would she think necessary to get the baby ‘clean enough’? How would she react if the baby spits up on her?
Post-partum anxiety sounds like something your wife might be at high risk for, judging by your portrayal. It is not harsh for you to want your wife to address her mental health and develop a relationship with a professional to support her before beginning the journey of huge, and often very stressful, life change.
MythicalBeast45 said: Is it possible she has OCD, rather than anxiety? Based on the way you describe her cleaning habits, that sounds a lot more likely.. In any case, I would say NAH.
MiskiMoon said: NTA. Only have a child when you think you’re ready. Babies cannot live in a sterile environment, unfortunately ultimatums can sometimes be necessary.
positivechickpea said: NTA – pregnancy has realllllllly ramped up my anxiety in all departments. It is hard on the body and on the mind. She should be in a good spot before you guys conceive.
GonnaBelToldUSo said: NTA… Your wife definitely needs some help and you are right to insist that she get some therapy. You should offer to go with her and tell her you love her and want her to get her anxiety under control — but make sure she understands it’s not because you don’t want to have a family with her. It’s because you want to see her live her best life.
[Reddit User] said: NTA. I have a friend similar to this, with major anxiety who just had a baby. Her anxiety is now in uncontrollable overdrive and ruining her relationship. She will not sleep because she’s sure her baby will throw up and die if she looks away for a minute, and the lack of sleep is magnifying her anxious behaviours.
She needs to see someone about it. If she’s unwilling to talk to a doctor on her own, I would insist on couples counseling so she can have her eyes opened to the reality of what she’s doing to both of your lives and hopefully move to individual counseling to deal with her problems.
maam- said: NAH. I’ve had anxiety ever since I can remember, and I had a baby a year ago. In my experience, it only made my anxiety worse. Postpartum Anxiety is a real and serious issue, one that she will be predisposed to having because of her history of anxiety. Another commenter said it already but, babies are messy as hell.
Between the spit up, poop, pee, the laundry, the bottles, and everything else, it’s hard to keep up. Not to mention the postpartum period is already overwhelming even if you don’t have anxiety. It is a very good idea for her to talk to someone about her anxiety before even starting the process of attempting to conceive, which is also a very anxiety-inducing experience.
You’re not an ass for being concerned, and she’s not an ass for having anxiety. Maybe suggest going to talk to a professional together. Talk to her OB together as well — they can give you more information on PPD/A and what to look out for and the resources available.
backupbitches said: She’s pissed at me for giving her an “ultimatum” and thinks I’m implying that she’d be a bad mom. This will sound harsh, but she will be. If she refuses to address her compulsive behaviours, she will 100{39ca6eb452c0ce4419cd73a8f3bd18a23fe95ab4febb092bc2ab1b542eeea82f} project that onto the child, which will mess it up for life.
You’re doing the right thing. Throw in a compromise that you’ll attend counseling with her (marriage/couples) so that she doesn’t feel totally alone or like she’s entirely to blame for all of life’s problems. Getting help can be a two-person deal. NTA.
