A mother’s love is fierce and unwavering, especially when her child battles the invisible weight of depression. She has stood by her daughter through years of silent struggles, listening without judgment, seeking help, and celebrating small victories in therapy, hoping to light a path out of the darkness that clouded her child’s once-bright spirit.
But love alone cannot erase the frustration that grows with each missed class, each failed exam, and every refusal to take responsibility. The mother’s heart aches as she watches her gifted daughter drift further from her potential, caught in a painful cycle of despair and defiance, leaving her torn between compassion and the desperate hope for change.
AITA for telling my Daughter that she needs to stop using depression as an excuse for everything.
Dr. Marsha Linehan, a leading figure in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), emphasizes the importance of validation alongside encouraging effective behavior. The parent’s frustration is understandable given the daughter’s high potential and failure to meet agreed-upon conditions, especially following the car accident which heightened safety concerns.
The daughter’s behavior suggests a struggle with emotional regulation and executive functioning, symptoms often present alongside depression, but also common in transitional young adulthood. Her use of social activities (clubbing, going out) may serve as intense, immediate mood regulation, contrasting sharply with the long-term demands of academics and chores. The parent’s statement that she needs to ‘stop using depression as an excuse’ likely invalidated the daughter’s real emotional pain, leading to her feeling ‘useless.’ This reaction suggests the daughter may perceive the parent’s support as conditional upon performance, rather than unconditional, which can exacerbate feelings of helplessness.
The parent was correct to address the dangerous behavior (the accident) and the violation of the housing agreement (failing school). However, the delivery shut down communication. Moving forward, the parent should separate the issues: address immediate safety and basic household contribution (e.g., chores) as non-negotiable terms for living at home, while simultaneously validating the difficulty of managing depression. A constructive recommendation is to re-engage the therapist to discuss motivation and academic engagement specifically, framing school success not as a sacrifice for the parent’s future peace, but as a necessary skill-building exercise for her own autonomy.
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I’m not saying that is what’s happening in this case, but it is something to think about.
The parent is facing the difficult challenge of supporting a young adult daughter who struggles with academic performance and household responsibilities while citing ongoing depression. The core conflict arises from the parent’s expectation that the daughter prioritize education for future independence versus the daughter’s apparent strong need for immediate social engagement and fun, which she links to her mental health struggles.
Should the parent maintain strict academic conditions for continued support, risking further conflict and emotional distress, or should they shift focus entirely to supporting the daughter’s immediate mental health needs, even if it means tolerating academic failure and lack of domestic contribution? What is the responsible balance between unconditional love and setting necessary structure for an almost 21-year-old adult?
